My girlfriend and I were in the middle of driving home from New Hampshire when she put on a Drake song. She let out a loving sigh and started talking about how she could change his life, or whatever.
I thought about my own hypothetical celebrity conquest and wondered who might legitimately have sex with me. Someone cute, funny, seemingly quasi-attainable, Jewish... boom: Alison Brie.
I asked my girlfriend if she'd be mad if I had sex with Alison Brie. She laughed and said no. I told her I wouldn't be mad if she boned Drake.
Like many couples before us, we made a verbal agreement for a celebrity free pass. However, I wanted more... so I asked her to sign a sex contract.
Why the contract?
Why not? Look, I’m aware that I function on a plane of existence that's in a hazy purgatory between fantasy and reality. Would I actually be mad if my girlfriend fucked Drake? Probably. Would my girlfriend dump me if I double-dipped into the star of Community? Most likely. However, being that this hazy purgatory has a distinct foundation made of comedy, I wasn’t dissuaded from pursuing the issue.
This is how the idea of a sex contract came about: a contract, signed by both myself and my girlfriend, that states neither one of us will break up with the other if we have sex with our celebrities-in-question.
How do you even write a sex contract? Excellent question! I've never written a contract before, let alone a sex contract, but it's actually really easy! It only took a three-minute chat with my lawyer (yeah, I have a lawyer) to get the specifics on how to get this going.
"You can write a contract for anything, he said, "and you can definitely write a contract for this and it could be valid. What you need for a valid contract is offer, acceptance, and exchange of something of value, or sometimes called consideration. In this scenario, you're saying the offer would be, ‘I'm going to give you permission to sleep with a celebrity if the opportunity presents itself.’ In consideration for that, I guess there might have to be some sort of exchange of something of value."
The "exchange of something of value" translates to how an employee exchanges a salary for work.
"I mean, consideration has a pretty broad definition," continues my lawyer, "so it can be a monetary consideration, [or] it can just be a promise not to do something, or a promise not to take some sort of action or a promise to take some sort of action."
"Like breaking up?" I asked.
The fact is, any Tom, Dick, or Harry can write up a contract just as long as all the terms are laid out and both parties sign. Your name doesn't even have to be Tom, Dick, or Harry!
"You don't need any special structure, as long as you just have the terms clearly laid out, and you both have an understanding, and you have what's called a meeting of the minds, where you both come to some agreement that this is what the contract's going to be, then that's totally fine."
You actually don’t even need to get this kind of contract notarized -- but, I thought it would be funny if I did it anyway... so I got it notarized.