You don't need Edward 40-hands galleries for your digital self to keep you by yourself. Here're a couple of things that e-vestigating women will avoid like the plague. Also: the plague. If you've got it, maybe consider mail order.
- Unflattering photos. This isn't about your friends being butt-ugly; it's that, by posting them looking that way, you've indicated that any subpar photo we're in will go up to our ultimate mortification level. Look, a lot of sushi rolls need to be eaten in two bites, but the Internet doesn't have to watch our handroll becoming a handsroll.
- Consistent indications of other women. This isn’t about your ex -- it’s about the other women we see hovering on your page, liking everything you post and compulsively commenting. Facebook walls mark territory, and if it seems like your air space is too crowded, your mile-high will be grounded.
- Negative updates. Complaining about the Knicks’ defense is fine (especially if there's money involved), but the person next to you crunching Triscuits with their mouth open? Bitching on this shows us that you sweat the small stuff. Everyone already has most Seinfeld episodes committed to memory, and, if we want clever sniping, Jerry won't eat our Triscuits.