Sex Tips for Boring People

Sex Tips for Boring People: Broken Penises, Tipping Hookers, and Trouble Getting Off

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Sex Tips for Boring People will take your sex life from vanilla to passion fruit. Or at least from vanilla to vanilla bean. Find more sexy advice right here.

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How much should you tip a hooker?

Ahh the service industry in America: controversial for us and confusing for Europeans. At a restaurant where you are getting served, it comes down to 15% to 20% -- or more if the service is REALLY good. But what if you’re getting served… in the bedroom? There’s no hard rule on tipping hookers in America since it’s, you know, kind of illegal. Unless you're in Nevada. HOWEVER! After polling some anonymous customers I’ve come to a few conclusions. (Note: These answers in no way reflect my personal opinions on hookers. You asked, I’m answering.)

Tipping a hooker depends on a few things. Assuming she’s on the higher end, then she makes a very decent hourly wage and tipping is unnecessary. If she’s hanging out in the parking lot behind Denny’s, chances are she’s not pulling in $1,000 per customer, so tipping would be the right thing to do. Also, is she your regular hooker, or a one-night stand? If she’s your regular hooker the consensus is that tipping is standard. When you do tip then you give 20%. She rented you her vagina. Be a gentleman.

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What happens when you break your penis?

I’ll give you guys a moment to unclench at the soul-deadening image of this and then we’ll proceed...

... OK, ready? So yes, you can definitely break your penis. This is called a “penile fracture,” but it has nothing to do with actual bones, because your penis doesn't have any. Still, when it’s erect there is a LOT of stiffness and pressure. “The walls of the penis become very rigid," says Dr. Darius Paduch, associate professor of urology and reproductive medicine at Weill Cornell Medical College. "And if it’s overstretched it can naturally rupture, or ‘break. It’s similar to a tear in the Achilles ligament. The tissue can break and tear and that’s what causes the blood to escape right away. You will hear a popping sound [MOMENT TO SQUIRM], you’ll lose your erection and there will be a bruise. Patients should come in within 24 to 48 hours to surgically repair the tear.”

I hope that was... informative.

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Why does booze make it harder to get off?

‘Whiskey dick’ is NOT just specific to whiskey, and it IS awkward and unsatisfying for everyone. But WHY doesn’t alcohol want you to have a fantastic sex life? Again, Dr. Paduch weighs in.

“To ejaculate you need to get aroused and excited. To get excited you need to focus on what you’re doing. Alcohol in low doses can improve sexual arousal because it has anti-anxiety properties, but in higher doses it numbs your brain. It numbs down your sensitivity and your sensation and that’s why your brain doesn’t feel stimulation to achieve orgasm.”

His advice?

“If you can’t drive, it’s probably not the best time to have sex with your girlfriend because you’ll probably fail.”

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Meagan Drillinger is a contributing writer for Thrillist and has never once broken her vagina. Follow her on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook: @drillinjourneys