The 30 Pokémon I Want to Have Sex With
Pokémon Go is the greatest thing to happen to Pokémon aficionados since, um, Pokémon. The game has taken the world by storm, leading young nerds to actually see the warming glow of daylight in hopes of catching a rare Jigglypuff, Pikachu, or those garbage birds that can’t seem to catch a hint.
One of the greatest things about the Internet is the notion that everything you love in real life has its own porn version online -- it’s called Rule 34, and it’s the reason you’ll see Chansey on all fours getting rimmed by Charizard when you Google “Pokémon” with SafeSearch off.
Actually, mostly physical.
You’d be crazy to say that Dewgong’s classically sensual shape and bright eyes full of mystery and desire don’t leave you with an admirable chub. Dewgong’s vaguely dolphin-shaped body leads one to believe that, within Dewgong’s head, is a brain full of intelligence, class, and fishy-thoughts.
What are you signing up for when you spend a wild night with Dragonair? Look at that sleek, sexy little body! That’s a recipe for unbridled pleasure. This long, serpentine Pokémon was designed for butt-stuff, IMHO.
Ditto can transform into whatever Pokémon it's facing, so you can have sex with yourself. Everyone’s fantasy! What you won’t usually get is a XXX-version of Pokémon that has heart, soul, true romance. This list of Pokémon I want to have real-life consensual intercourse with isn’t just about the physical act of love, but the emotional part as well.
Nidoqueen is probably as close to screwing a dinosaur you’ll ever get. Its reptilian features, spiny ears, and toxic spikes make this Pokémon the bad girl your parents warned you about. Make sure you put the tear-proof sheets on the bed when you lead this sexy beast into your lair. Also, it has boobs.
What’s especially fun about Butterfree is that this anthropomorphic butterfly can shake its wings and spread a paralyzing dust out onto its partner -- vital in the bedroom if you’re down with some kinky S&M stuff.
Ooh, damn, did it just get hot in here? Picture this: you’re splayed out in front of the fireplace and Machamp walks into the room holding four bottles of scented oils in each of its massive, muscular arms. You play coy and ask “Oh, is that for me?” and the only answer you get is a cascade of lube onto your nether regions from varying heights. Yes, that’s for you. A party’s a party when your partner has four arms.
Though, if you thought you were in heaven with Machamp, wait until you jump into the sack with a Pokémon that has up to 80 tentacles. Hey, now it’s a party.
Sweet, silly Slowbro. Slowbro is the girl (or, I guess, pink bipedal monster) next door. When you stare into those large, vacant eyes, you know that you’re the only person on its mind. With a Shellder perpetually attached to its tail, you’re getting two for the price of one when you take Slowbro into your arms.
Look at its tongue. Case closed.
I’d like to go out on a limb and posit that Starmie is the Kim Kardashian of the Pokémon. Look at the straight ice in the core of this genderless violet sea star. Some speculate Starmie to be extraterrestrial... meaning it’s bringing some kinky alien sex secrets into the bedroom.
Pinsir isn’t for everyone in the same way Tilda Swinton isn’t for everyone -- but that doesn’t make it any less appealing. No, Pinsir won’t stand back and take your whining, it’ll dive in and give you the most righteous sexual awakening of your life; you know where those spiky pincers are going.
Booty for days. You know Snorlax throws down hard -- plus, you can sleep on it after. I amend my prior comments: Snorlax is the Kim K. of the Pokemon tribe. Starmie has been downgraded to Kendall. BOO, KENDALL.
Sticky, purple, amorphous, literally made of sludge... don’t pretend you’re not curious.
OK, so all the Starter Pokémon have three evolutions; but no one gives a shit about the middle ones. Wartortle is a forgotten gem, ignored and unloved. And it's time to give it some TLC. Think of it as taking home a forgotten starlet of yesteryear... like Molly Ringwald or Winona Ryder before Stranger Things.
I'll be honest, it's really just that Pikachu is famous, and there's really nothing wrong with being a starfucker once in awhile.
Diglett only lives in the dirt and nobody has ever even seen its feet before. I’d like to think its underground layer resembles the kind of swanky '70s sex shacks you’d see in old Playboy magazines. To be blunt, Diglett will treat you like a goddamn gentleman before diving face first inside of you.
Basically a walking Fleshlight, which is a horrifying concept once you think about it. Plus, raise your hand if you’ve ever had the chance to have sex with a plant before. That’s what I thought.
I don’t know about you, but I’ve always been a little interested in what it would be like to do it with a ghost. Known for its exceptional stealth and ability to absorb warmth, Gengar could provide with you the kind of icy-cold sexual experience that’ll leave you hot and bothered. You can really tell from Gengar's face he's crazy in the sack.
The mechanics of having sex with a sentient grouping of eggs is too much to ignore.
Eevee can turn into any Pokémon, depending on what kind of stone you give it. It’s the classic bait-and-switch, with everyone climaxing at the end.
Beauty, poise, grace, wings made of ice... all the things you could ever want in a partner. When Articuno flaps its wings, it can conjure snowfall. And that may be the most romantic thing in the world.
Surely, there is somebody out there who feels attracted to spherical objects. Say hello to Voltorb, the Pokémon that looks like a Pokéball. Jesus, what were they smoking when they thought up this one? “Let’s just make a Pokéball with a face.” On the upside, it’ll explode if bumped too hard -- so there’s that added element of danger for those who get off on death.
If you’ve always wanted to go to Bonetown, USA with a psychic sea creature, look no further. Lapras has four flippers and a heavy, gray shell covered in blunt knobs. Lapras would be my arm candy.
You know what you’re signing up for when you go to Poundtown with a Pokémon named Weezing. It has two heads (that are ready to party, no doubt) and can also hover in midair. Weezing can say “I’m not like other girls” and really mean it, plus it releases toxic gas: if you like vaping and balling at the same time, you're in luck.
Admittedly a little messed up that her kid is with her the whole time, but Kangashkan is the only confirmed MILF Pokémon.
You can’t trade in the rush from having hot sex with a hairy, quadruped, bovine for anything in the world. Stomp me, Tauros, stomp me real good.
Chansey carries around nutritious eggs to help people, so you know that she’s going to make you the most amazing breakfast the morning after.
I've never had my mind and body taken over by a gigantic spore before, but I feel like it'd be really sexy. A swarm of Parasects will drain a tree of its nutrients and move on to a new tree, so you know you aren’t going to get the whole “what are we?” speech afterwards.
Cloyster is literally a vagina-shaped Pokémon.
Rapidash is a unicorn covered in fire, so I don’t think I have to outline why I’m especially turned on by this Pokémon. Sex with Rapidash would be powerful, memorable, and prolific. It’d be the kind of sex where you lie in bed all day, unable to move and thirsty for more. Rapidash would do all that food stuff from 9 1/2 Weeks that you didn’t think people did in real life, except you’d be on fire afterwards! Hell yeah.
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