Dear Girl With a Dog:
That's it. I'm out. I'm sorry, you're a beautiful girl, have a great job, a better education, and all those other things I listed out on my online dating profile. But I've had about enough.
My guess is this isn't the first time a guy has broken it off with you out of nowhere, so you're probably wondering why this keeps happening. So I’m gonna tell you what no other guy has had the stones to say: it’s your dog.
Yep. Sorry to say it but your little four-legged friend makes you undateable.
The warning signs were already there on our first date, when you insisted on a 15-minute slideshow of "adorable" shots of your dog. Up to and including that doggie-and-me selfie that's the background on your phone.
I have about as much interest in seeing these pictures on a first date as you do in seeing dick pics. If I wanted to spend all night looking at pictures of something I don’t care about, I’d hang out with my friends who have kids.
But still, the date went well enough, and after some ill-advised public tonsil hockey, I invited you home. And remember what you said?
"I totally would but I have to get back to my dog."
Great. So now, instead of maybe liking your dog, my first impression of it was as a furry, barking cockblock. You may have had other reasons for saying no, but as far as I'm concerned, the dog cancelled our sleepover.
Let's not forget how your dog loves to bark like Timmy's stuck in a well while we're having sex, simulating that oh-so-romantic feeling of doing it in a trailer park. That’s if it’s not busy peeing on my floor because “he’s nervous.” Or, worse, jumping on the bed and trying to join in like it’s some interspecies three-way.
Then EVERY SINGLE MORNING, you rush out before I’m up to walk your dog AGAIN. Which means no morning sex for me, and a lot less sleep for you. Leading to that epiphany you had that "we need to spend more nights at my place, so I can sleep more." And now my choice is to either not see you for a week, or have an entire wardrobe covered in dog hair.
Also, “disappointment” doesn’t begin to describe the feeling I get every time I open one of your Snapchats. Are you wearing something sexy? Or nothing at all? No. No. It’s the sixth video that day of your dog doing something "unbelievably cute." Like sleeping. Like any other damn dog.
Then there was that weekend we went to Florida, where we had to take the dog along because “we CAN’T leave him by himself!” And you somehow got it classified as a “service dog” so you could take it on the plane, even though the only “service” it offered was panting very loudly on that poor bastard who got stuck sitting next to you, who I'm pretty sure was live-tweeting the whole miserable experience.
Those “pet-friendly” hotels and restaurants weren't exactly the hospitality highlights of Florida. And that spontaneous overnight trip to Bimini I wanted to take was out of the question. Because the dog didn't have the right shots, and by the time we got back it would have eaten our $200 pet deposit.
Your dog always comes first. I already have to compete with your parents, siblings, friends, boss, and therapist. Having to compete with a being covered in fur with a proclivity for licking its own ass is where the line must be drawn.
Now you may say, "Well, if you’re not into dogs I don’t want to date you anyway." And that’s all well and good. Perhaps we were never meant to be. But understand that while every guy may not have quite the aversion to dogs that I do, none of us like having to base our relationship around your pet.
I’m not saying your dog is bad. There is something to be said for a pet’s unconditional love and all that other stuff you see on Peanuts Christmas cards. But he's just a little more than I can take. And if you don’t understand why you can’t keep a guy around, the answer is a lot closer than you think. It’s sitting at the foot of your bed.
Yours in just-friendship,
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