The female orgasm is not rocket science.
Yet the amount of misinformation surrounding it makes the feminine climax seem as complicated as splitting atoms. So let's just put the confusion to bed once and for all.
There is more to getting a woman off than wild rabbit humping and some lube. So let's go over how the female orgasm works (and how it doesn't); because you definitely didn't learn about it in sex ed and you sure as hell don't know jack from all the porn you've been watching.
Myth: Sex alone will produce a female orgasm
While sex can be fun even without clitoral stimulation, many women -- two out of three -- require it to get off.
"Clitoral stimulation is usually necessary to get off and some sexual positions on their own don't stimulate this spot," says Amy Levine, sex expert and founder of Ignite Your Pleasure. So, if you're in a position that isn't getting at that clit, whip out a vibe or use your hands.
Myth: All women want direct clitoral stimulation
Some women want all the direct clitoral stimulation there is. I'd venture to say that most women want their clit taken to TOWN. But, not ALL women do. "While some women may respond well to a direct approach to clitoral stimulation, there are others who may appreciate more subtle, circuitous methods," says Alex Fine, co-founder of Dame products.
"That's where techniques like orbiting (circling the clit), teasing (courting the clit with brief sensations), and/or layering (using the vulva's natural folds, or even clothing, to touch the clitoris through a layer) come in," Fine says. "They offer less direct, but often equally as (if not more) effective ways to stimulate the clitoris."
Myth: The female orgasm is always earth-shattering
I've had guys accuse me of faking very real orgasms more than once. The truth is, not all big-O's move mountains. And that is really fine!
"It can feel as quick and simple as a sneeze, or be earth-shattering," Levine says.
Not all orgasms are the same. But believe me, they all feel good. Just do all the things you need to do to make her come and it will be fine. Chill.
Myth: You can just do your thing and she will come really fast
It stresses me out when I see a sex scene that misleads men into thinking they can just crawl on top of my body and BOOM, I will orgasm. A woman's body is just straight-up wired differently than a man's. It takes effort beyond wildly humping my person.
According to Levine, it can take up to 20 minutes of pure foreplay for a woman to get aroused. "This isn't true for everyone," she says, "but we generally need to put in more effort than men. It's not as quick or obvious."
Myth: An orgasm is always possible if you do everything right
I can tell you from firsthand experience that this is not true. You can be doing absolutely everything right, your technique can be gold medal-worthy, and it may just not be in the cards today.
Once upon a time, I lost my orgasm for MONTHS. This can happen because of stress, anxiety, a hormone imbalance, or a whole other variety of reasons. Even if you're doing everything right, sometimes it just isn't going to happen. It will come back, just give it time.
Myth: Not all women can have G-spot orgasms
Levine says that with the exception of a medical condition or damage to the vagina, all women actually are capable of having a G-spot orgasm. However! "The G-spot is erectile tissue and it's not present until a woman is aroused."
She suggests using a "zero-to-60" speed analogy. You can't stimulate the vagina at zero and still come that way; but it's much more likely at 60. The G-spot is located behind the public bone, inside of the vagina. When it is engorged, it looks and feels a lot like a walnut.
Myth: A woman can only come if she really, really concentrates
While this is true for some women -- present company included -- sometimes thinking too much can actually derail your chances of coming. "Being stuck in your head, rather than being grounded in your body can make an orgasm elusive," Levine says.
If you're a woman who overthinks, try concentrating on your breathing and making a sexy fantasy to clear and calm your mind. If you're wrapped up in your to-do list, and can't focus on what's happening to your body, that's no good for anyone.
Myth: Men should automatically know what makes a woman come
According to Levine, this isn't accurate. If you want someone to know what you like, "you need to know what gets you off and communicate that to your partner so you get what you need." Not all women are the same and what works for one lady may not be another's jam.
This means a woman needs to make the time to masturbate, learn what she does and does not like, and have sex with someone whom she feels comfortable communicating with. Remember -- if you don't ask, you're not likely to receive.
Myth: All women squirt
Sorry to burst your bubble, those fire hydrant squirters you see in porn are not real. Porn stars actually squirt water up their hoo-has and then let go when the director says, "Go."
While we're not sure whether all women have the physiological potential to squirt, not all women do, and that is something men just have to accept. "We just know some women do. It's only reasonable to make a goal if you've been able to do it before. If you want to see if it's possible, it's not an end goal," says Levine.
If you want to make your girl squirt, it might not be a super-reasonable goal. Just give her an orgasm and call it day. I promise it's enough.