Sex + Dating

33 Things That Happen in Porn That Are Pretty Bad Ideas in Real Life

Porn is part of our society's fabric: I love it, you love it, your dad loves it, and your mom is watching a graphic DP scene right now. But while it's totally OK to enjoy watching porn -- and even alright to borrow some of its moves -- there are a lot of naughty-film elements that ought to  stay in the exaggerated, unrealistic world of the XXX screen. Seriously -- please just never do any of these.

  • Propositioning your friend's mom
  • Propositioning your mom's friend
  • Propositioning your step-anybody
  • Spying on someone in the shower while assuming voyeurism turns them on
  • Picking someone off a street in your van
  • Sex with a strange pizza guy, plumber, electrician, or anyone else who's paid by their employer to go to your house
  • Answering the door in only a towel  
  • Answering the door completely naked and not expecting it to end in a lawsuit
  • Substituting lube with spit
  • Giving/receiving head while you're driving 80mph on the highway
  • Skipping foreplay entirely
  • Bribing your college professor with sex
  • Blackmailing your college students with sex
  • Expecting a squeaky-clean orgy with attractive people
  • Bringing eels into the bedroom
  • Bringing the bedroom into a parking lot
  • Tearing clothing into pieces with reckless abandon and no apologies
  • Calling a guy "daddy"
  • Trying to hold a third-party conversation while you're inside someone
  • Sex on the beach… unless you're into infections
  • Sex in the shower… unless you have padded feet and webbed toes
  • Sex in the pool… unless you're Elizabeth Berkley and Kyle MacLachlan
  • Pretending to be an adult-film casting director
  • Surprise anal
  • Surprise facial
  • Wedding-day sex with the bride (grooms excluded)
  • Filming people without telling them
  • Glory holes
  • Accepting medical treatment from anyone with provocative cleavage
  • Mother-daughter threesomes
  • Sister-sister threesomes
  • Look, if it's a threesome, just make sure no two people are related, OK?
  • Fast-forwarding past the boring parts


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Jeremy Glass is a writer for Thrillist and the only jackhammering he does is during illegal road work.