33 Things That Happen in Porn That Are Pretty Bad Ideas in Real Life
Porn is part of our society's fabric: I love it, you love it, your dad loves it, and your mom is watching a graphic DP scene right now. But while it's totally OK to enjoy watching porn -- and even alright to borrow some of its moves -- there are a lot of naughty-film elements that ought to stay in the exaggerated, unrealistic world of the XXX screen. Seriously -- please just never do any of these.
- Propositioning your friend's mom
- Propositioning your mom's friend
- Propositioning your step-anybody
- Spying on someone in the shower while assuming voyeurism turns them on
- Picking someone off a street in your van
- Sex with a strange pizza guy, plumber, electrician, or anyone else who's paid by their employer to go to your house
- Answering the door in only a towel
- Answering the door completely naked and not expecting it to end in a lawsuit
- Substituting lube with spit
- Giving/receiving head while you're driving 80mph on the highway
- Skipping foreplay entirely
- Bribing your college professor with sex
- Blackmailing your college students with sex
- Expecting a squeaky-clean orgy with attractive people
- Bringing eels into the bedroom
- Bringing the bedroom into a parking lot
- Tearing clothing into pieces with reckless abandon and no apologies
- Calling a guy "daddy"
- Trying to hold a third-party conversation while you're inside someone
- Sex on the beach… unless you're into infections
- Sex in the shower… unless you have padded feet and webbed toes
- Sex in the pool… unless you're Elizabeth Berkley and Kyle MacLachlan
- Pretending to be an adult-film casting director
- Surprise anal
- Surprise facial
- Wedding-day sex with the bride (grooms excluded)
- Filming people without telling them
- Glory holes
- Accepting medical treatment from anyone with provocative cleavage
- Mother-daughter threesomes
- Sister-sister threesomes
- Look, if it's a threesome, just make sure no two people are related, OK?
- Fast-forwarding past the boring parts
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Jeremy Glass is a writer for Thrillist and the only jackhammering he does is during illegal road work.