The customer is always wrong
Regarding customer service, porn shops are under no obligation to accept returned items. In 2002, fictional Sex and the City’s Samantha hands over her spent Hitachi Wand, complaining, “This toy didn’t make me cum.” And to this day, people IRL are plopping down their crusty contraptions with the same complaint. Look y’all, everyone deserves an orgasm. But it’s up to YOU to get yourself off. Overwhelmingly, porn shops do not accept returns.
To avoid disappointment, many porn shop associates require a quick test of any battery-operated toy in order to make sure it is fully functioning before it leaves the shop. If that is not store policy, shop elsewhere.
Admit when something is for you
If I had a nickel for every person who blurted, “This isn’t for me!” or “This is a gift!” when I rang them up, I would have paid off my student debt a long time ago. Letting the clerk know who you're actually shopping for can be helpful if you need some insights or suggestions. So don't lie!
I remember my anxiety over buying tampons, condoms, and hemorrhoid ointment when I was a younger lady, but gee whiz, the cashiers don’t give a crap. Just hand over the money, and have a nice day.
There is no need to be an opinion troll
People who talk the most shit on other people’s kinks are the most insecure. OK, so you’ve never seen BBW/interracial /transgender/queer/hairy lady/menstruation/fisting/pissing/Kardashian porn, I get it. But unless your comments are insightful and subversive, keep them to yourself. There are other people in the world (about 7 billion!), and they don’t each share your views. If you insist upon being a xenophobe, save it for Reddit.
Adult-shop janitors don't get paid enough
Any porn shop with preview booths, aka “arcades,” allows the option of viewing porn privately and masturbating -- or playing with strangers and friends. In a civilized society, this is a simple concept. However, I’ll be darned if a guest didn’t take a dump in the trash can at least once a week. WHY. WHY. WHY.
Another nifty trick that some porn clerks have seen is when preview booth occupants leave their mark after exiting by decorating the booth walls with semen-sticky paper towels. This is why we can’t have nice things, ‘Merica.