It’s been said that sex is like pizza: even when it’s bad, it’s still better than no pizza at all. But really, nobody wants Ellio’s if they can get at least a Tombstone, or possibly even a Newman’s Own Uncured Pepperoni Thin & Crispy.
For all the men out there serving up cold leftovers in bed, here are the things you’re doing horribly, horribly wrong, according to women who constantly endure them.
1. Treating her nipples like Otter Pops
“Nipple play doesn’t really do anything for me. It’s kind of whatever. But what really creeps me out is when a guy is just down there forever... like he’s breastfeeding.” - Gabi, 28
Some guys will latch on harder than a dehydrated newborn. Not only is it uncomfortably Oedipal, it’s not even comfortable, let alone erotic. Our nips are super sensitive, with varying degrees of sensitivity throughout the month, so play accordingly. Gentle licking and sucking can be truly spectacular, so long as it doesn’t feel like you’re trying to milk us. And if you’re going to use your hands, knock it off with the pinching. They’re breasts, not udders. In any case, if your girl likes it harder, she’ll let you know.
2. Appropriating her orgasm
“I was hooking up with this guy, and told him the best way to get me off was to do stuff to my clit, preferably with [his] mouth. Easy enough, right? So, we start having sex, and it was good, but then he starts saying ‘Cum for me, baby.’ Whaaat? It's not gonna happen ‘for you.’ And I literally just told you how to make me cum. Ugh. Get it together, dude.” - Meredith, 27
The time it’s okay to tell a woman, “Cum for me,” is when she is actually doing it. Otherwise, “Cum for me,” just sounds like shorthand for, “Just do it, already.” Rude! And most importantly, it’s her orgasm, not yours. She wants to climax, and it’s not to make you feel better. She had a rough day too. Further, if you’re lucky enough to be with a woman who communicates her needs (and extra points if you asked her), for the love of God, LISTEN. Listen like there’s going to be a test later, and if you pass there will be peace in the Middle East and the polar ice caps will un-melt. Not all women can orgasm through penetration alone, and your unit isn’t going to change her physiology.
3. Hamming it up in bed
“One guy hummed Harry Potter into my vagina. I think he was trying to be funny, but like, not the time for jokes, dude.” - Jennifer, 30
Sharing a giggle can be a great way to build intimacy and foster a connection that will make sex better. But if you’re going to try and win her over with your comedic sensibilities, only bring crowd favorites, not some weird experimental shit you saw at an improv show. Never crack a joke that will make her feel any less desirable, or like you’re not at least taking the sex she’s allowing you to have with her seriously. Also, in case you were wondering, humming the theme music to Harry Potter is how you cast a spell for vaginal dryness.
4. Giving her the silent treatment
“I once slept with this amazingly hot guy who was great with his hands, but he was silent as a log. I just felt like he was bored having sex with me, and I couldn’t even tell when he was cumming.” - Helen, 28
Sleeping with a sexual mute is like trying to dance with no music. Even if dirty talk isn’t your thing, a moan or two will do. We want to know we’re pleasing you, and also that you’re still breathing. On the average, women are way more verbally responsive than men; think of your words and sounds as added sex moves to your repertoire.
5. Refusing to use condoms
“Everyone’s screwing without condoms now. It’s kind of scary. I’m all for casual sex, but not for casually contracting an STD.” - Jane, 27
If a woman insists that you wear a condom, the rudest, most inconsiderate thing you can do is try and talk her out of it. It doesn’t matter if you “just got tested,” or if she’s on the pill. Women face way higher stakes in the bedroom. It is a medical fact that we are more physiologically susceptible to STDs than men, not to mention the risk of pregnancy. Sure, sex feels better without a condom, but life feels better without herpes. And don’t try to split the difference and get it in raw just for the beginning. Last I checked, chlamydia doesn’t adhere to a five-second rule.
6. Claiming you’re a sex god
“My least favorite thing men do sexually is to talk a big game before we sleep together... and then not deliver. I’m totally cool with guys of different sexual ability, but the worst thing you can do is over-promise and under-deliver.” - Corrine, 29
Empty promises are an alarming trend in human male behavior. Women have adapted to this evolution by lowering their expectations. Do yourself a favor: don’t raise the bar out of pride, when we’re setting it low as courtesy. No girl is expecting the best sex of her life the first time she sleeps with you. Actually, no girl ever expects the best sex of her life, period. In fact, staying humble makes any sexual missteps you commit in the act far more forgivable. We know you’ll lie to us about something far more important somewhere down the road, so no need to start with how good you are in bed.
7. “Drilling for oil”
“I hate it when guys go too deep. It doesn’t feel good. Look at my face: I’m not enjoying this.” - Andrea, 26
Seriously, guys. Stop spelunking in our vaginas. The G-spot is located approximately 2in inside the vagina. Now we definitely want more than 2in of you, but no need to high-five a woman’s cervix with your penis. It’s not impressive, and for some, it’s actually painful. Just how deep is a personal preference. Give her all of you, but ease up if you get the feeling it’s too much for her. Not sure? Just ask. Remember: there’s no gold in there.
8. Skipping the foreplay
“Sometimes guys will just jam it in there, without any [foreplay]. I think some men assume that because a girl is young, she’s always ‘ready.’” -Lindsay, 25
Save your groans and eye rolls. We’re not asking for an hour-long, candlelit hot oil massage (mind you, we’re not saying no to that either). If your girl is pre-menopause and dryer than Southern California, that’s on you, my friend. It takes more for women to get aroused than just wanting you, regardless of their age. Besides the fact that foreplay makes the business of getting that much easier, simply sticking it in is likely to make a woman feel more objectified than wanted. Quickies aside, that kind of behavior in the bedroom looks amateur at best and selfish at worst. The benefits go both ways; unless the idea of starting a fire with your dick is your idea of a good time.
9. Being delusional about your size
“This one guy kept asking me to tell him how I loved his big cock. And it just wasn’t that big. I was actually confused the first few times he asked me, ‘Do you love my big cock?’ I guess women had told him it was huge, but it was medium at most.” - Josephine, 32
The honest-to-goodness truth is that bigger isn’t always better, but a big ego is the worst. We will praise your penis on our own if it’s deserving, TRUST. We’ll probably tell all our friends, too. But asking us to extol your member, particularly for its size, comes off as very insecure and a little delusional. Same goes for men who wear magnum condoms, when they -- ahem -- don’t need to. I’m a B cup. How ridiculous would I look in a 36DD bra?
10. Wearing anything -- anything! -- on your feet
“I mean socks is a classic.” - Kelsey, 29.
Take off. Your effing. Socks. But seriously, why just your socks? Does the cotton/poly blend rubbing against your arches really get you going? Here’s the thing: a naked dude in socks is generally not a flattering look, unless you’re Tom Hardy, in which case, wear whatever you want. Also, you’ve been wearing those things around all day, so don’t bring them into bed; that’s just gross. Wear protection, just not on your feet.
11. Interrogating us while we’re in the act
“‘Is this okay?’ ‘Is that okay?’ ‘What about this?’ I get that they want my consent, in case they want to try something raunchier. But constantly asking me for validation is so unattractive and under-confident to me.” - Veronica, 28
Women don’t come with a news ticker above their vaginas, and having sex with you shouldn’t feel like watching CNN. Communication is absolutely a must, but make sure any questions are purposed and specific, especially once you enter freaky or fetish territory. “Is it okay if I put it in your butt?” is definitely a question worth asking; checking in with her every time you change positions is just tiresome. If she’s consented to sleeping with you, giving her the Spanish Inquisition is only going to make her feel like maybe she shouldn’t have. Now she’s thinking about John Cleese instead of you. Then it’s all British guys instead of you. It’s hard to compete with that accent, man.
12. Treating us like the maid
“I hate it when a guy throws me a towel, so that I can wipe HIS cum off my back.” - Pamela, 29
A dry hump (see above) is only a little worse than being thrown a dry towel afterwards. If a woman lets you finish anywhere else than in a condom, show some gratitude and at least wet the towel a little with some warm water before politely handing it to her. Or go a step further and give her a hand, especially if it’s in a spot she may have trouble reaching. This is chivalry for the Tinder Age.
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Julia Reiss is a writer and stand-up comedian who has officially ruined the magic of Hogwarts in her editor's perverted mind. Follow her to erotic Quiddich: @thereisspiece. She also has a website to prove to her parents that she's doing something with her life.