Sex + Dating

The People You Should Stop Dating in 2016

Universal Pictures

A new year is a time for a new you, or whatever. But as much as we applaud your attempt to give up booze, go gluten-free, and learn Japanese, perhaps it’s really your love life that should be getting resolved. You made all the mistakes in 2015 (and 2014 [and 2013 {and every single other year}]), so why not start the new year off right and finally stop dating all of these jerks?
 

The frequent ghoster

Frequently ignoring all types of contact from you is at the top of the list of his charming attributes. After days (weeks) of rationalizing why he hasn’t responded, you FINALLY realize that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with his phone, the "read" receipt wasn’t switched on by accident, and he’s definitely not dead. HE DOES NOT WANT TO TALK TO YOU. All of this, however, is forgotten when he eventually does turn up six weeks later telling you a pelican plucked his phone from his hand and must have opened the messages in the process, and it’s only now that he’s getting a new phone, and he’s SO sorry. You, of course, believe this. Let’s start 2016 with a little more self-respect and a little less of people who obviously don’t want to talk to you.

Anyone you met on vacation

Did you meet on a beach? Did you only spend time together in bathing suits? Did you make out in lots of hot tubs and drink a lot of wine while watching all the sunsets? We’re not 16 anymore, even though we sure as hell felt like it doing it in a hammock on the balcony after dark. Just enjoy this for what it is and bring home a snow globe as a souvenir instead.
 

Your co-worker

Only do this if you like keeping secrets and then also like seeing your ex every. Single. Day. and then also like getting fired. Wildly unnecessary anxiety has no place in your 2016. Unless this person is “the one,” it’s just not worth it.
 

Anyone over 30 who still lives with their parents

List all the excuses for this and then try to justify them. Go ahead. We’ll wait.

The “I need to get married" girl (or guy, for that matter)

You know who we’re talking about. They want to GET married, not necessarily BE married. This person wants a wedding, not a marriage. Try a little patience in 2016, instead of being the random person they selected to stand next to them at their wedding.
 

Anyone who openly hates their job (and has no plans to rectify this situation)

All jobs can be frustrating. If you do something every single day, you’re bound to get a little tired of it now and then. And sometimes we even have jobs that we straight-up cannot stand. But this year, don’t latch yourself onto the person who is constantly complaining about their career and then offers no proactive solution to fixing it. Stories with flailing gesticulations about annoying Trudy in marketing will not be so funny when you hear them for the rest of your life.

Cole Saladino/Thrillist

Anyone on Tinder

HOW IS THIS APP STILL AROUND? If you’re looking for a booty call, or to mutually agree with someone that you find each other hot and then say NOT ONE WORD to them after, this is the app for you. If you seriously want to date someone this year, try an app or site with a little more substance than “hot or not.” And yeah, a 500-character profile doesn’t qualify as substance.
 

The guy/girl who is bad in bed (and can’t talk about it)

It’s not the end of the world if the person you’re dating is bad in bed (or, well, maybe it is). But what’s worse is being with someone who isn’t open to constructive criticism. As long as you’re polite and kind in pointing out what you do or don’t like, your partner should be receptive. Let’s make 2016 about all the orgasms.

And speaking of orgasms... anyone with a tribal tat/tramp stamp

Liiiisten, we’re not here to judge. We have ALL walked the noble path to this pleasure palace. Tribal tats/tramp stamps signal late nights, narrow escapes, and toe-curling sex. It’s all very exciting as you hop aboard their motorcycle and cruise off someplace where you can then have sex on that motorcycle. But there’s nothing here for you besides mind-blowing orgasms. Like, mind blowing. Oh fuck it... have a great time!
 

Anyone who needs to be “fixed”

This is a tough one, because you often don’t know you’re with these people until you’re so far in and then, ugh, you love them. And understandably you want to do everything you can to help. But... you aren’t going to fix them. At least, not you alone. Everyone has demons, but some demons take a lot to work through and no matter how hard you try, it just might not be enough. Here’s to achievable projects in 2016, like finishing that Puzz-3D of the Titanic that you started 20 years ago.

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Meagan Drillinger is a contributing writer for Thrillist and will probably take none of her own advice this year. That's what 2017 is for.