Listen, babe. We're happy that you're in love. But can we talk for a second? Before you post that cool-ass picture in the pumpkin patch with Joe I-Actually-Forget-His-Last-Name, let's have a one-on-one, OK?
You have got to chill on all this social media stuff. Seriously, it's getting out of hand. No one needs a new relationship announcement with all the gusto of a pregnancy reveal. Your seemingly endless status updates and selfies are nauseating everyone around you.
Please, adhere to these commandments of dating on social media so that you can regain some semblance of dignity… at least in your next relationship.
DO: Wait at least three months before posting a picture together
It's very possible that while the heat is burning HOT, HOT, HOT right now, in a few months things may not seem so perfect with this person. Let's face it: Everything is hot two weeks in. Instead of jumping the proverbial gun and posting kissing, biking, hiking, and apple-picking photos all over your social media accounts, take a breath.
Give it three months and see if you still want to post those embarrassing selfies. If this relationship is going to last, those first few months will fly by.
DO: Post a few pictures together at a cool event
If you're at an event and take a few photos, sure it's OK to post one or two of them. You want to remember this cool movie premiere and the people who were there with you. That's the purpose of social media in the first place.
DON'T: Post an entire album
Especially not one you've decided to name "BAE DAYS" or something equally as horrendous. No one wants to click through 98 versions of the same photo, from the same day, at different angles. Please no.
DON'T: Post that you are in a relationship with so-and-so publicly after three weeks
The only people who should be posting a public relationship status are people who are engaged or married. People who post any other relationship status publicly on Facebook look desperate and insecure.
DO: Remove your relationship status entirely from social media
You're in a relationship now. There is no reason why you should have a relationship status that says "single" anymore. That's sketchy and asking for trouble.
DO: Announce your engagement with tasteful pictures and an updated relationship status
You're engaged and that's fantastic. We are so excited for you. You can post those pictures and share that you're engaged to so-and-so in your relationship status. This is a major life event.
DON'T: Post a new photo of your engagement ring every single f**king day until the wedding
I don't know why you're posting a picture with your engagement ring next to a slew of inanimate objects, but stop. I don't need to see your ring nestled in the bottom of an empty teacup for no reason.
DO: Message BAE privately to tell them you love them
It's important to tell your partner you love them every day. Do that!
DON'T: Tag them in public statuses declaring your undying love for the world to see
This is just uncomfortable. People automatically assume you're trying to make your relationship look more stable and blissful than it is if you do things like this.
DO: Tag your partner in hilarious memes
Because memes are the BEST.
DON'T: Tag him or her in a weekly #ManCrushMonday or #WomanCrushWednesday Instagram post
Only people who date losers do this because it makes them feel better about it. Seriously, your friends will make fun of you mercilessly behind your back (and probably to your face) if you post pictures of your boo as your #MCM or #WCW on a weekly basis. Seriously.
DO: Text BAE happy birthday (yes, you can even post a status and tag them)
It's your boyfriend’s birthday and he wants to feel loved. Today it is appropriate to be overly excited.
DON'T: Do this if you've been together less than nine months
Don't get insane on social media if you're not in a serious relationship. Just call your new boo and wish him or her a happy day of birth.
DO: Go out and celebrate your anniversaries if you want to
If you want to privately celebrate your four-month anniversary, that is your business.
DON'T: Post about it on any form of social media unless it is MULTIPLE YEARS of dating
If your friends and family are subjected to monthly celebration pictures they are going to murder you.
DO: Have a great night out with your friends, binge-watch Netflix, and have a threesome with Ben & Jerry in the event of a breakup
Breakups suck. Go out. Party. Or, stay in and be miserable if that's more your style.
DON'T: Post about aforementioned breakup on social media
For the love of all things holy, please don't post an embarrassing public announcement about how your heart is broken into a million pieces. Do not go on a rage-fueled rant about what a scumbag your ex is and how you're so much better off. Keep that PRIVATE.
Believe it or not, this rule also includes deleting every single picture you've taken and status you've posted over the last year. If you remove the relationship entirely from Facebook, people will notice you did this. You're not fooling anyone.
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