Dear Guy Who Still Works Out His Junk To Teenage Britney Spears:
Please stop. It's time to start working out your junk to grown-up Britney Spears
Yes, it's painful giving up something that's brought you so much pleasure over the past 15(!) years. But there comes a time when you must put aside childish fantasies about the tawdry virgin and move on to childish fantasies about the woman you'd definitely still have sex with even though she definitely wouldn't have sex with you despite having previously despoiled herself with Kevin Federline.
Do you still touch your special place to teenage Jessica Simpson? Teenage Sarah Michelle Gellar? Teenage Mena Suvari? No, because that would make you a freak. So why are you still clinging to teenage Britney? And don't say it's because she was a better singer than Jessica. That doesn't even make sense
This isn't all your fault. Her scary bald phase and equally scary hoo-hoo flashing phase caused you to arrest her development in your mind to the age before she went completely batshit crazy. But now she's fully clothed and fully haired, and you're the one going through the scary bald phase.
Anyway, face it: the lady looks good these days. Instead of reporting on how concerned her family is about her erratic behavior, celebrity mags are buzzing about how hot she was in that sheer, one-shoulder Roberto Cavalli dress she wore to a very important music festival that happens at an LA-area Home Depot. Critics described her Shape cover as "tanned and toned". She was even deemed "stunning" in her red "bandage dress", which sounds like something she would've worn to an '07 pharmacy holdup, but is actually just a kind of dress mentally stable girls wear sometimes
So assuming you find her current appearance reasonably pleasing, put her insane era aside and ask yourself: wouldn't it be more satisfying to have a mature two-to-four-minute relationship with an imaginary adult than a desperate 30 seconds with an imaginary tween who's not even old enough to fulfill any fantasy involving a night club or a rental car
Give thirty-something Britney a chance. Spend a few minutes thinking about her sliding off that dress instead of hiking up that Catholic schoolgirl outfit. Between those photos where she seduces a priest, and her dalliance with Kaballah, she's not even a good Catholic anyway!
Seriously, what's the risk? You've got an infinite number of sessions in your future, and unless you're really worried about America's dwindling water supply (it actually is a problem), an infinite number of weirdly long showers. If it doesn't work, you can always reset your libido back to 1998, make a little "oops, I did it again" joke about your backsliding, feel ashamed for making that joke, and then proceed anyway, because for you shame is clearly an essential part of the process
Though if it really is shame you're after, you could always remind yourself that you're getting totally turned on by a mom.