Couples break up for all sorts of reasons: infidelity, financial reasons, or if the guy finds out his girlfriend reads Twilight with the enthusiasm of an English doctoral candidate taking a highlighter to Paradise Lost for the sixth time. We've scoured reddit and Thrillist staffers' memories to find the dumbest reasons people have ever given for dumping someone. If you've ever broken a heart for a ridiculous reason, or had your own torn in two, this is for you.
I also can't be with anyone who's not Team Jacob
"I used to casually hook up with this girl who I referred to as my secret girlfriend, not because I was ashamed of her, but because I was claiming I had put a moratorium on dating at the time, and didn’t want to get called out. We'd always get down at my house. One time, we went to hers. Mid-sex-time, I looked up at her bookshelf noticed Twilight sitting there, front and center. The whole series. Hardcover. With little tags sticking out of the pages, as if she went back and re-read certain passages and shit. I never called her again." -- anonymous Thrillist staffer
Tevas are very 1990
"I was once dumped by a woman because she didn't like the fact that I wore Tevas one day. This was my girlfriend that I was with for six months, too. It lasted for about two days after that. We’d be out, and having fun, and then she’d snap out of the blue and be like 'I can’t believe you wore those shoes yesterday.'
"Finally, when we were on a double date, I made an off-handed joke about them, and she asked if I had thrown them out yet. When I said no, she got up and told me to take her home, and we broke up that night. The best part, though, is that we went to the coast with a couple friends the day after… each of us had good friends from out of town who we wanted to see, so we both stubbornly went anyway. I wore those Tevas the whole time, even when I slept." -- anonymous Thrillist staffer
Watching the breakup would've been a good halftime show
"I dumped a girl because she was really condescending about football. She threw a dinner party on the same night as the Super Bowl. I showed up thinking it was going to be a Super Bowl party, but it turned out she had no interest in the game and was really adamant about not showing it.
"Funny thing is, I don't even like football, but I have great respect for the ritual of the Big Game, and thus I demanded it be played on a small TV in a bedroom. You might not remember this, but with 18 seconds left in the first half, the Steelers intercepted the ball on the goal line and returned it 100 yards for a record-breaking touchdown.
"I tried to get her to watch the replay and explained the incredible physical strength and unlikely agility and pure luck involved, but she was having none of it. After that night I ghosted on the relationship, 6 years before ghosting was even a thing." -- anonymous Thrillist staffer
Should've bought her a pair of JNCOs
Couples that fight together, stay together
What kind of a weirdo doesn't sweat cologne?
"I broke up with him because his sweat smelled like seaweed." -- anonymous Thrillist staffer
At least she didn't look like a Smurf
"I stopped seeing a girl because my friends told me she looked like a Monchichi and I couldn't stop hearing the Monchichi theme song when I was, um, sexing her. That's a very, very true story. I was on the pot a lot back then." -- anonymous Thrillist staffer
This dude was a real Milton
"I was dumped by a guy I worked with because he saw me let the intern borrow my stapler. The intern was new and given no office supplies, and I sat right next to him. Instead of making him wander around the office, I figured I would give him mine.
"The guy I was seeing sat a few desks away from me, saw this, and accused me of coming on to the intern, claiming that he 'couldn't give his whole heart' to me because I was too big of a flirt. I was justing lending out office supplies, not giving out lap dances by the copy machine!" -- anonymous Thrillist staffer
Shockingly this was not on an episode of Catfish
"I dated a girl for a year who broke up with me for another guy. A guy who she said she was in love with, despite never having met him in real life. And I'm no Zac Efron, but what made it even worse is that he was an overweight computer nerd. It made me feel like I got dumped for a handful of pixels. Super fat pixels. Not even good looking ones!" -- anonymous Thrillist staffer
Once he was released from the hospital, he checked back in for a broken heart
High school breakups are hilariously dramatic
"I broke up with a girl on AIM when I was a sophomore in high school. I hadn't intended to start the whole 'I think we need to talk...' conversation online, but one thing led to another and I ended our three-week romance by telling her 'I just don't feel the same way about you that I used to.' Later, her best friend -- a giant, farm-strong Mormon -- found out I'd broken up with her over AIM, and then held me up against a locker by my neck. High school was rad." -- anonymous Thrillist staffer
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