The Art of Choosing a Movie to Have Sex in Front Of
Choosing a movie you can enjoy is difficult enough. Choosing one you can enjoy carnally presents an even greater challenge.
There's a multitude of prerequisites a film must fulfill in order to qualify as something you can happily and successfully ignore as you get down to business. Heed this foolproof strategy before your next Netflix & chill turns into Netflix & "Did you really think we were actually going to have sex during Hotel Rwanda? I'm leaving."
It has to be boringThink Fracture over something like Attack of the Clones -- one is a “thriller” that was obviously written by someone well versed in the law and legal loopholes and one is a mind-numbing, but necessary-to-watch, movie in the Star Wars franchise. Fracture stars Ryan Gosling and Anthony Hopkins and features endless scenes of men discussing the law at a high volume. It’s a truly awful movie that can be tuned out without remorse or guilt. Again, feeling the need to pay attention = bad.
It can’t be a classicLook, there are some classics out there that are objectively boring. It’s a Wonderful Life is one of Jimmy Stewart’s finest films, but even the most strident holiday sentimentalist will quietly admit that it drags in place.
That said, you’d be a fool to put on It’s a Wonderful Life as boning background fodder. Why? Because Jimmy fucking Stewart! He was a national treasure. Also, you'll never be able to look grandma in the eye again when she insists everyone watch it during Christmas.
Certain films have earned enough reverence to be exempt from sexytime. More on that later.
It can’t be too bloodyNot to say there isn’t an inherent -- albeit oddly inherent -- sexiness about an '80s thriller, but you’d be hard-pressed to find a normal couple whose libido can withstand a brutal stabbing scene. Have you ever tried to perform or receive oral sex during Zodiac? Believe it or not, it's quite distracting.
Unless you’re a serial killer, it’s going to be pretty hard to climax while you’re watching somebody get disemboweled. And if you are a serial killer -- umm, maybe stop? Please?
Funny-ish is fine. Campy is not.You don’t want to have sex in front of Plan 9 from Outer Space or The Room -- they’re terrible, but they're distractingly, legendarily, and self-respecting-film-buff-needs-to-have-seen-them terrible. Plus, you really don’t want to accidentally catch a glimpse of Tommy Wiseau’s reptilian ass during your lovemaking session. Gross.
Where were we? So yeah, instead, try a comedy you’ve seen a million times that’s only minimally funny: Meet the Parents, for example. Raise your hand if Meet the Parents is your favorite movie. Didn’t think so.
Try something with a nice soundtrackWhile I highly advise against having sex in front of Magic Mike -- as it deserves to be watched in full -- the intensely sexy R&B soundtrack throughout the film is perfect for humpin’, gruntin’, and pumpin’. On the other hand, there’s always the musical; Moulin Rouge is perfect because the music is on point, but the acting is just subpar! Would you be sad if you missed a performance by Nicole Kidman? You would not.
Pick something really long, but with some nudityDid you know that Titanic runs at a staggering 194 minutes long? I know what you’re thinking -- “Titanic is a classic, I would never have sex in front of that timeless work of art.” Sorry to burst your bubble -- or, rather, sink your bubble -- but Titanic didn't age well and your perceptions of art are as misplaced as Billy Zane's.
On the bright side, if you time it right, you can get more than a couple sexual encounters in one sitting. The trick is, you have to start immediately: the first 30 minutes of the film is Bill “Am I a real person?” Paxton searching for the Heart of the Ocean diamond. Then there’s another hour or two of bad dialogue, giving you almost 90 minutes to get through kissing, foreplay, fucking, and cuddling.
Then, by the time the “draw me like one of your French girls” part comes up, you’ll be ready for another go. Just make sure you finish before the end, it’s pretty hard to maintain a boner while 1,500 people die in the Atlantic Ocean... unless you’re me, of course. Man, still can't believe that Bill Paxton had a sizable role in this movie.
It can be a little sexy, but not TOO sexyThink along the lines of the 1999 romantic-thriller, Entrapment. It’s a pretty mediocre movie that has a couple of somewhat sexy parts. You’re not going to want to watch it, it’s easy to ignore, and if you accidentally start paying too much attention while you’re supposed to be going down on your girlfriend, you’ll find some semblance of inspiration to keep on going. Try not to get aroused from that super-unnecessary blind-folded rope scene. Not even Sean Connery knew what the hell was going on... but, hey, did he ever?
Picking something truly graphic and sexual CAN work -- but that comes with its own set of considerations.