The Definitive Ranking of Sex and Pizza
Pizza and sex. Sex and pizza. They’re two wonderful things that are notorious for still being pretty good even when they’re not that great.
It’s hard to compare the two. Or is it? Here's a hierarchy of 25 common sex and pizza experiences, from least to most satisfying.
25. Microwaved Ellio’s that’s still frozen in the middle
The caveat of biting into this iceberg is a layer of cheese that’s as hot as the surface of the sun: at least you can still pick off those little pieces of pepperoni for some good eatin’ while you apply aloe vera to the roof of your mouth.
Not technically sex, but still definitely better than not having sex at all -- you know? It’s the “let’s just put tomato sauce and cheese on a piece of toast” of the sexual universe, in pizza terms.
23. Week-old delivery pizza in the back of the fridge
It’s past the point of soggy, where the consistency of the crust matches the consistency of the rest of the slice. At this point, it doesn’t matter whose it is (or was) because all’s fair in love and fridge.
22. Whiskey dick with someone really cute
Whiskey dick is such a bummer, especially because it’s a terrible result of such a nice thing: drinking whiskey. It always happens during the most inconvenient times, too -- like, when you’ve tracked down the one who got away and she finally tells you that she’s into you.
21. Coitus interruptus
Commonly referred to as “the pullout method,” but we mean it in the literal sense of being rudely interrupted during a trip to the bone zone. Maybe it’s with a phone call, maybe a fire alarm, maybe a real fire... it happens and it’s no good.
20. When there’s way too much cornmeal on the bottom
A great slice of pizza can be ruined when the chef is too liberal with the cornmeal. How dare they think their customers actually like running their hands over the bottom of the pizza in an attempt to rub off the culinary equivalent to sand. Hmm… actually, this can be applied for both subjects; as no men or women should have cornmeal on their butts during sex.
19. Breakup sex
It’s the kind of sex you have when both parties know that the end is near or when the breakup’s already happened and one last hurrah is needed. No foreplay, no cuddling, no kissing.
It’s passionate in a passionless kind of way, but depressing to the point where one or both of you cries at the end... or middle.
18. The wrong order from Domino's
Domino's is the kind of place you order from when you’re desperately hungry and ready to eat. So when you’ve paid and the delivery guy is long gone, it’s a disappointment to open the box and see that they interpreted your “half cheese, half sausage” as “Hawaiian, but anchovies instead of pineapple.” Still, you’re not going to waste the time calling the guy back and you’re certainly not going to throw it away... so you eat it.
17. Your first time
Such an exciting and beautiful (???) thing for a man or a woman... except for the almost guaranteed embarrassment and awkwardness.
16. A medium pizza with peppers, onions, sausage, bacon, and... oh damn it, no mushrooms?
Aw man, it’s the mushrooms that make it!
15. Pity sex
Typically the result of a string of depressing texts to your soon-to-be ex-friend, pity sex comes at a price and only happens once.
14. A good pie adorned with too much hot pepper
Hey, who the hell put on this burning hot pepper on my pizza pie? It’s a pain in the ass to pick off and -- if you don’t pick it all off -- well, it’s going to be a pain in the ass after.
13. A quickie when you’re already running late for work
You’re ready to get up and go to work, but she’s hurtin’ for some early morning love-making, so you begrudgingly take off your pants and pump away like your life depended on it. In the end it -- of course -- feels fantastic, but the entire time you’re keeping one eye on the clock.
12. Those expensive gourmet slices that are just a little bit too thick and expensive
Think NYC’s Artichoke or a huge deep-dish pie from Chicago. It’s good, but it almost feels too high above you… as if a familiar friend has married into royalty. Think about the moment you discovered Nicolas Cage was in Moonstruck after spending your childhood watching Face/Off and National Treasure. You know that pizza shouldn’t come with such a huge bill or make you feel that full, but who’s going to argue with a five-star Yelp review?
11. Hotel sex
No laundry! No inhibitions! Just block that local news segment with the black light out of your memory.
10. Pizza bagel bites
Pizza in the morning, pizza in the evening, pizza at suppertime! Your stomach can’t help but feel jilted, because this delicious meal is -- at heart -- not really pizza. Plus, pizza in the morning should only be reserved for cold pizza. (See #2)
The Battleship Potemkin of sexual positions. Not something you necessarily want all the time, but definitely something everyone has to experience to really understand how it all works.
8. Walking into a room to find a ton of extra pizza and a bunch of full friends
The pizza world’s equivalent to Bill Paxton’s Heart of the Ocean necklace in Titanic. Sure, it’s not cold... and you don’t love ricotta cheese... but it’s free and all your friends are in a coma.
7. Makeup sex
What were we even fighting about? Who cares. Want to order a pizza?
6. Dollar slices
Maybe this is just one of those New York staples that only us big city folk like, but $1 slices are such a great part of living in an urban area. With nothing more than literally the change in your pocket, you can solve that lunchtime rumblin’ in the tummy. It’s not always the most tasty, but the speed and convenience of the whole thing more than make up for the lackluster effect on your tastebuds.
5. Reverse cowgirl sex
Is there any other type of sexual position that so embraces your hedonistic tendencies? Everything you want is literally right in front of you. If you’re a butt guy, you’re all set. If you’re a boob guy, just lean forward and grab. If you hate conversation and love the aforementioned body parts, you’re in heaven.
4. A personal supreme pizza with the promise of sex later
Let’s set the scene: you’re in your favorite chair, the game’s on TV, and your girlfriend’s out with her friends, but has just texted you something really scandalous. The promise of sex is there and -- just before your stomach begins to grumble -- the doorbell rings. It’s the delivery guy with your personal supreme pizza for one. Your night has been made.
3. Doggy style
While reverse cowgirl celebrates hedonism, doggy style supports the complete lack of class and style in the bedroom. It’s the most animalistic and (for the most part) dually satisfying position that really gets to the root of good sex: putting one thing into another thing at a rapid rate.
2. Cold pizza
Man, is there anything out there as good as cold pizza?
1. Hot pizza
Of course! Hot pizza! Number one! USA! USA! USA!
Having sex while eating pizza.
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Jeremy Glass is a writer for Thrillist and will live and die by this list.