25. Microwaved Ellio’s that’s still frozen in the middle
The caveat of biting into this iceberg is a layer of cheese that’s as hot as the surface of the sun: at least you can still pick off those little pieces of pepperoni for some good eatin’ while you apply aloe vera to the roof of your mouth.
Not technically sex, but still definitely better than not having sex at all -- you know? It’s the “let’s just put tomato sauce and cheese on a piece of toast” of the sexual universe, in pizza terms.
23. Week-old delivery pizza in the back of the fridge
It’s past the point of soggy, where the consistency of the crust matches the consistency of the rest of the slice. At this point, it doesn’t matter whose it is (or was) because all’s fair in love and fridge.
22. Whiskey dick with someone really cute
Whiskey dick is such a bummer, especially because it’s a terrible result of such a nice thing: drinking whiskey. It always happens during the most inconvenient times, too -- like, when you’ve tracked down the one who got away and she finally tells you that she’s into you.