The president of the struggle club
Sometimes you think a person is just unlucky. Their house gets broken into, their car breaks, and they get food poisoning. It seems like all this terrible stuff just happens to them until you realize that they forgot to lock their front door, never took care of their car, and ate Chinese food that had been sitting in the back of their now-broken car.
How to deal with them: Make yourself as unavailable as possible, for instance: “I’d love to hang out, but I’m at the most expensive club in town that’s literally 50 miles from your apartment.” These people drain your bank account and your soul at the very same time.
The one who works at your office
First of all, this one’s on you. Either: a) you started dating someone from your office or b) you told your ex where you work and they successfully managed to land a job there. Whoops. But don’t worry, there are plenty of ways to avoid Jim from accounting or Jolene from accounting. Oh, so you’re into accountants, eh?
How to deal with them: Despite our feelings about HR, these people exist for a reason. Just set up a meeting, explaining the situation, and find a new desk as far away as possible as you can get. Or you can switch departments... you may have signed on as a consultant, but that doesn’t mean you can’t moonlight in the party-planning committee.
Because life is (sometimes!) fair, many unnaturally attractive people leave quite a bit to be desired in the intellect department? Luckily, once you've realized that hot person you couldn't believe agreed to date you doesn't have much happening beneath the surface, going your separate ways is pretty simple
How to deal with them: Just tell them you’re dating someone else. They won’t even think to ask you why there aren’t any pictures of that “someone” anywhere on FB or Instagram. The mystery won’t even make itself apparent to them, and they’ll die thinking you’re happily married to someone named Bob Wehadababyitsaboy. These kinds of people make really good friends, too; when the time is right, try making a totally non-sexual friend-pass at them.
The emotional rollercoaster You know the type: man or woman. They cry all the time and it will absolutely kill them when they find out you want them out of your life. It’ll kill them and they’ll die and it’s horrible.
How to deal with them: It’s actually a lot easier than you think. You need to write them a handwritten letter saying the universe will bring you both together one day, but right now just isn’t the right time. People go nuts over hand-written letters, especially when they're as beautiful and poignant as we all thought Garden State was in 2004.
The only drawback to ditching all this dead weight? Now you’re the one who got away and will be subjected to their annoying texts while you’re busy waiting for Netflix to buffer.
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Jeremy Glass is a writer for Thrillist and, luckily, all of his exes are dead.