Sure, back in the days before you were truly considered an adult, your sex life was incredible because you had sex like, three (!) times. Well, now you’re an adult. And, just like a post-college purge of Facebook friends, it’s time to clear out some of your more amateur moves in the sack. Start by never doing these things. Ever.
Boobs. We get it. Men really love them. And we really love to show them to you. But as sexy and fun for us as it is to have you smash your face into them and wiggle it from side to side while fluttering your lips, there are other ways to show your appreciation.
It doesn’t matter how young we are or ribbed or lubricated that condom is. If we’re not sufficiently primed and ready, this is going to get painful real fast. It’s not like we’re talking about candles and a seductive massage (although, now that you mention it...), but spending a little time getting acquainted with our other erogenous zones will go a long, long way.
Using ridiculous euphemisms for your genitals
These are not my “candy bits,” and that is not my “sausage pocket,” and I certainly hope that’s not your “bacon rod.” We’re all adults here, so we should be mature enough to use the real words, or at least the ones that sound legitimately hot and not like something I can order at the Texas State Fair.
Many people don’t speak up about what they actually like or don’t like in bed, which means that one or both of us is not having a very good time. This maybe got you through college, when you were just so grateful that this act was no longer solo, but now that you’re an adult it’s really very okay to say what you like or don’t like in bed. Sex is supposed to be one of the most fun things you do, so you should get what you want.
Who does this help? No, really. This is a horrible idea. If you’re not enjoying yourself, see above. It’s okay to say, “I like it this way.” In fact, your partner will definitely not be insulted and will likely welcome the challenge to do it the way you want. Also, faking it perpetuates your partner’s false sense of security that he/she is doing a fantastic job. So when you do inevitably break up with them because they’re bad it bed, you’re just screwing their next victim. And not, like, sexily screwing them.
If you do this at all in your relationship (not just in bed), then you have to stop this. Forever.
Not using a condom
Come. On. Unless you’re in a committed relationship where both of you have been tested and/or you’re trying to spawn, then please do the rest of us a favor and bag that shit. Doesn’t matter if she’s on the pill. Perhaps you’ve heard of a little something called herpes? What about HPV? The CDC says one in six people in the US ages 14 to 49 have genital herpes. Twenty million Americans have HPV, and at least half of all sexually active people will get it at some point in their lives. So congrats that you aren’t getting pregnant, but no one will buy you gifts for getting herpes.
Also, and I’m sure you know this, she CAN get pregnant if she’s on top, too. And also in a hot tub. (Less fun note: Diseases like herpes and HPV are spread through skin contact, so while wearing condoms greatly reduces the risk of infection, there are still ways to get these diseases in places that condoms don’t cover. Wear a condom, but also get tested on a regular basis.)
Battering the clit
Hey guys? Just so you know, that tiny little spot is your Stairway to Heaven, your Open Sesame, your ticket to sexing this woman probably for a second time. Most of us ladies are not orgasming by just having your penises inside us. Sorry. We need that little spot to be treated with your utmost attention. It’s small and sensitive for sure, so don’t try to jerk us off. But feel free to get creative with tongue, lips, fingers, and even teeth (GENTLY).
We all giggled (recoiled?) in seventh grade when the kid with Sum 41 patches on his backpack and authority issues taught us all what that hand gesture meant. Today he probably works the ticket booth at Warped Tour and still has that backpack. He also still uses “the Shocker.” We do not still think it’s funny.