The Art of Actually Having Good Shower Sex
As many of you are already well aware, the idea of shower sex is often far greater than its execution. While seemingly erotic and romantic, the reality of slippery-wet sex delivers the opposite effect... with a significant risk of injury thanks to the sinister combination of water + ceramic and tile. Also, for some bizarre reason, water tends to make the vagina nearly impossible to penetrate.
To remedy the many cons that come with shower sex, I've compiled a series of moves one can apply to ensure your next shower romp is the best one yet. To assist in my efforts, I reached out to Paulita Pappel of Ersties.com (NSFW!) for the best sex positions to try in the shower. May we present, tips and tricks -- and position pairings! -- for all your bath-time adventures.
Throw down a slip-proof shower mat
Water on the sleek surface of a bathtub spells certain disaster for many couples trying to engage in shower sex. To avoid a pulled muscle or a broken limb, do like your grandparents and invest in an inexpensive non-slip shower mat.
Position pairing: Standing up
"This position isn't for the unadventurous -- or the weak-armed, for that matter," Paulita says. "This is the Hollywood movie shower-sex scene that everyone imagines shower sex looks like, but is rarely the case." Hint: first you better find yourself a very strong partner.
"To do this, one should have their arms around the other's neck and their legs around his waist as the other supports the body by lifting the legs and bum. I personally love this position, as it feeds into the feelings of submission and domination. I once had a partner light enough for me to hold her up. The trick here: leaning their back against the wall!"
Opt for edible soap
If you've ever tasted soap -- by accident or intentionally -- you know how shitty it tastes. But did you know there’s actually edible soap? Use this stuff as your chocolate syrup substitute during shower sex. It cleans effectively, and actually tastes pretty decent.
Install shower footrests
Since your built-in soap dish may not be able to support your weight and subsequently cost you hundreds in repairs, you're better off purchasing an inexpensive footrest that can attach to your shower. These are ideal for almost any sex position requiring a leg lift for a classic Captain Morgan stance.
Position pairing: Modified doggy-style
Similar to the original, one can lean into the wall with your back to your partner. "It helps to have a leg up on the tub," Paulita says. Hellooooo, shower footrests! "Something I like to do in this position: if the shower head is removable, I place the shower head on my clitoris for extra stimulation. The shower doesn’t just have to be a location, but also a tool!"
Use silicone lube
Though the consistency is likened to motor oil, silicone is by far the best lube you can use for shower play. Any water-based lubricant (along with a woman's own) will wash away long before you'd like it to.
The result of shower sex without lube is too much friction. You might not even be able to get in there at all! And while it might seem convenient, steer clear of body washes, shampoos, and conditioners. The consistency may feel like lube, but using these items could result in a nasty infection.
Position pairing: Standing up with hooked leg
Take advantage of the lube by using this otherwise friction-filled stance. "This position is for those looking for a more romantic shower-sex experience," Paulita says, "as it allows for eye contact and kissing. Standing facing each other, one should hook a leg around the partner, then enter." Unlike the doggy-style variation position, this is perfect for cubicle shower sex. "The one big problem for this position is height difference -- I’m 5'3", so I know all about these problems -- but a bit of adjusting can quickly rectify that problem."
Guys, get yourselves a Fleshlight shower mount
If you're a man who owns a Fleshlight, I have to recommend you pick up the Fleshlight shower mount, an accessory that can adhere to any surface (though originally intended for the shower) for a hands-free, penetrative sexual experience. It may not compare to an actual woman, but it's an appreciated alternative to masturbation.
Ladies, incorporate shower-safe sex toys
Is the inclusion of sex toys ever a bad idea? Well, unless they aren't shower-safe, the answer is no. So first, make sure the toys at your disposal are shower-safe. And then go play. If you don't have any but are looking, I recommend Jimmyjane’s Form 2, the Stronic Drei by Fun Factory, or Lelo's TIANI -- all of which are certifiably shower-safe and effective, because yes, I've used them.
Toss on some tunes
Since those weird fart scrubby sounds in the tub do not a sexy soundtrack make, bring some music into the bathroom. Need some inspiration? Click here for songs guaranteed to get you in the mood.
Don't count on condoms as protection
Condoms and showers don't splice. Rubbers can degrade during contact or slip off. So if you’re looking to thwart pregnancy and STDs, look elsewhere. And no, the pullout method doesn't count.
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Bobby Box is a writer and editor who figured out these shower hacks the hard way. He tends to write about sex a lot. Follow him on Twitter: @bobbyboxington.