Sex + Dating

15 Different Types of Sex, From Worst to Best

terrible types of sex
Daniel Fishel/Thrillist

Thinking sex is all the same is like sitting down at a bar and ordering "beer."

Sex is a smorgasbord of variety! It draws upon all matters of circumstance, levels of passion, tiers of sobriety, times of day, and intensity of relationships. And much like beer, not all sex is created equal. So before you dive in (pun), time to bone up (another pun) on some common types of sex and how they stack up from worst to best.

15. Sex on the beach

While it was epically hot in From Here to Eternity (or, you know, as hot as something can be that's on Turner Classic Movies), let's call sex on the beach what it is: a fantasy that should never be repeated in real life.

All sex you see in the movies is hot (well, for the most part… Joaquin Phoenix was basically just masturbating in Her). But that's the thing about movies: They're MOVIES, where fantasy lives and thrives. The reality of sex on the beach is essentially sand (which gets everywhere), with potential interruptions from a myriad of sea creatures (or pervy snorkelers) lurking nearby.

14. Shower sex

If what you do in the bedroom you learned from porn, you're most likely doing it wrong. Just about any sex you've seen in porn isn't as hot in real life. Case in point is shower sex, which is actually extremely difficult to pull off. Water is not a lubricant, her leg is exhausted from being propped up on the side of the tub, and one of you is always cold. The only steam will be coming from the shower head.

13. First-time sex with a new person

By the time you've hit adulthood, your sex routine is basically down for better or worse. Every other adult also has his or her own specific sex routine. But it takes two to tango; and if one of you is doing the mambo, it's going to get awkward real fast. Very rarely do people discuss how they are going to have sex before having it. Like playing an instrument or Super Mario Bros. 3, it typically takes some practice before you reach that next level.

12. First-time sex

NO ONE's first time is very good. But at least here you can use the excuse that you literally have no frame of reference. Except for porn. Which, again, is a bad frame of reference.

11. Role-play sex

Unless both of you are aspiring thespians, role-playing is not sexy. It's honestly just weird. I respect you if you can keep a straight face whilst playing the Pirate and the Wench. But my guess is the minute she busts out a fake cockney accent, the wind will knock right out of your sails.

No ship will be pulling into port. The sword will not find its sheath. That is just a peg leg and he is not happy to see you. Other double entendres about lost erections.

terrible types of sex
Daniel Fishel/Thrillist

10. Sex in a public place

I'm not exactly sure why people think this is so hot. First of all, most public places where sex is associated are dirty (airplane restrooms, or any restroom, for that matter), the beach, parks, sporting venues, taxi cabs, the bar).

Second of all, the prize for getting caught with your pants down isn't something cool like a trip to Disneyland or a pet dragon. It's just embarrassing and possibly incriminating. And while sex isn't anything to be ashamed of at all, this situation seems more like an anxiety attack than a reason to get off.

9. The quickie

You'd think this would be totally hot. Who doesn't love a little afternoon delight on their lunch break? But the quickie is, more often than not, only good for him. Unless you're packing the lube, it tends to take women a little more time to… warm up, so to speak.

Women, on average, need up to 20 minutes of foreplay to get off. Guys need five to seven. So while he's happily humping away, she's faking an orgasm and blaming the patriarchy.  

8. Goodbye sex

This one is entirely relative depending on the nature of the relationship.

A steamy vacationship that consisted mostly of doing it in hot tubs for that one week you were on vacay in the DR? Sure, that will be decent. But chances are good that neither of you was emotionally invested anyway, so don't expect the goodbye sex to be much different than the last six nights.

Anything more meaningful will inevitably be passionate, tear-filled, and will end with promises about how you'll keep in touch and try to visit. Of course, at least one of you is lying.  

7. Make-up sex

I'd say arguing with your significant other is the worst, but it's not really the worst because it leads to make-up sex, which is one of the higher levels of sex.

Fueled by relief, a tinge of lingering resentment, and the desire to do anything else but talk in circles, make-up sex is the ultimate catharsis. I'm not saying orgasms can fix the world's problems. But they certainly aren't creating new ones. Think about it.

6. Morning sex

Sex at the end of a date packs a lot of pressure. How do I look? How do I smell? Is there food in my teeth? Have I had too many whiskey sours to get off… or just the right number? Wait, am I even going to get laid at all?

Morning sex, on the other hand, means you most likely already got laid the night before. The pressure is off! Also, the playing field is completely leveled. You're both unshowered, neither of you has brushed your teeth, and the scent of last night's sex is still lingering in the air. Also, it's a proven fact that brunch will taste better after you're done.

5. Buzzed sex

Sex on substances is sloppy and often yields disappointment followed by the sentence, "It happens to everyone." But buzzed sex is all about confidence; and allowing that chemical courage to let you go for that thing you've always been meaning to try.

4. Cheating sex

Listen, I'm not here to judge you. We all know cheating is bad, and that people do it for a variety of reasons... one of which is that the sex is absurdly hot.

There's a reason words like "taboo," "naughty," and "wrong" trigger blood to flow south. We like what is bad for us! It's the same reason gym rats love their "cheat days." Pancakes taste so much better when you know you aren't supposed to have them.

Cheating sex is the chocolate chip pancake in your low-carb diet. The only reason why it's not ranked higher on this list is because, well, morals.

3. Hotel sex

Perhaps it's because it adds an air of anonymity, or maybe it's because the robes are so damn soft. Or maybe because within minutes of finishing you can have a tray of sandwiches brought to your room. Whatever the reason, hotel sex is always amazing. Always.

2. Love sex

Love sex isn't just about Ryan Gosling, Rachel McAdams, and enough rose petals to choke on. It doesn't have to be dipped in chocolate and covered in silk. Sex when you are in love does NOT have to be cheesy.

Being with someone who knows exactly how to please your body, and more importantly, wants to please your body (because they love pleasing you) is SEXY. We only ham it up and roll our eyes because it's pretty difficult to find; and we are jealous of those who have. But deep down… like deep, deep down, all we really want is someone to tell us -- in the pouring rain, of course -- that they wrote to us every day for a year, and then we want them to lift us up and make love to us against the wall of the house they built for us.

Or something like that.  

1. Breakup sex

Breakups are messy, heartbreaking, and exhausting. If, in spite of all that drama, you're emotionally detached enough to still have sex with this person, chances are the sex was the only thing holding that relationship together in the first place.

In which case, it's probably the best sex you've ever had in your life. Enjoy. And look forward to the inevitable late-night hookup six months from now, which will lead you to question whether you should get back together. You shouldn't, but you might.

Because the sex is that good.  

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Meagan Drillinger is a contributing writer for Thrillist. Follow her on InstagramFacebookTwitter, and Snapchat @drillinjourney.