Weddings! Done right, they're a chance to celebrate true love and drink mid-shelf liquor with your closest friends… all while enjoying passed trays of bacon-wrapped scallops and some of Stevie Wonder's more celebrated early works.
Done wrong? Everyone will remember you FOREVER as that guy (or gal!) who completely ruined everything and became a harbinger of a near-certain early divorce. Or, you know, they'll all just privately kind of think you're the worst.
But fear not: you can navigate the day-long minefield of faux pas with this guide to everything you shouldn't be doing. Print it out, laminate it, and bring it to the wedding with you.
Wait no! That was a joke! You seriously thought about it. Oh man, this is worse than we thought.
Here it goes:
Showing up late to the ceremony
There is no such thing as fashionably late to a wedding. You should be seated at least 10 minutes before the posted go time. Yes, this even goes for unfathomably long Catholic weddings -- wait… now it's the unity candle?! Will this thing ever end?
Bringing a flask
If it's a boozy wedding, you most assuredly are not going to need it. And if it's a dry wedding... well, that sucks. But you still have to kind of suck it up and respect the wishes of the couple in question, up until the time you sprint to a bar the second the ceremony's over.
Making the bride or groom drink too much too early
A drink or two while getting ready is fairly common practice, especially because there's generally a bunch of waiting around before the show starts (especially on the groom side). But again, there is likely to be no shortage of drinks on this day. You don't want them to be fire-breathing whiskey in the minister's face during vows.
Checking your phone during the wedding ceremony
Slate's most recent thoughts on body shaming can wait 30 minutes.
Speaking now rather than forever holding your peace
Note: this does not apply if you are in a romantic comedy and/or Justin Long.