The Art of Never Screwing Up a Wedding Toast

Steve Buscemi Best Man Wedding Singer
The Wedding Singer | New Line Cinema
The Wedding Singer | New Line Cinema

Few roles in the traditional American wedding-ritual canon are more fraught with pressure than giving the obligatory toast in your capacity as best man, maid of honor, or whatever title your friend or family member wants to bestow upon you.

Hell, train-wreck wedding speeches have become a hacky go-to in pretty much any filminvolving a wedding, not to mention a tragically prolific YouTube genre.

But it doesn't have to be that way! No matter how petrified you are of public speaking and no matter how much you accidentally overdid it at cocktail hour, if you stick to these three rules you will be, at worst, forgettable, and, if you play it right, memorable in the best possible way.

Start funny

"But I'm not funny!" you exclaim aloud to your computer, unfunnily. Don't worry -- this is a sympathetic audience that's been drinking. Or, hopefully they've been drinking, if it's a dry wedding maybe polish your material a little more.

No one is expecting you to get up there like you're John Mulaney, unless you happen to BE John Mulaney, in which case, I am honored you sought my wedding toast advice! But look, all you need here is a lighthearted one-liner or two. If you're the sort of guy who never wears a tux, make a self-deprecating joke about how it feels weird to be in a tux! If you ate, like, 17 bacon-wrapped shrimp because there were so many passed apps, use it!

Then throw in ONE brief anecdote about the bride or groom (whichever team you're on). Ideally shoot for something light and quick that reflects the relationship you two share in some larger way. This is not the time to share every stupid inside joke from Sigma Alpha Meathead, nor is it the time for a 15-minute aimless recollection of your time backpacking through Eastern Europe that goes nowhere.

You will be tempted to share more than one funny story. Resist this temptation. There is a special place in hell reserved for people who start toasts with "I have a few funny stories about Brad" and then pull out 15 index cards.

Also -- this SHOULD go without saying but it's remarkable how often people screw it up: you may have been friends with this person long enough to have humorous stories that might involve one of their exes. Do not use these stories, or mention said exes in any capacity. They do not exist today.

Luke Wilson in Old School Speech
Old School | DreamWorks Pictures

End poignant

Once you've warmed the audience up with the funny stuff, it's time to get a little sentimental. You don't need to overdo it here -- a few heartfelt words to the happy couple can accomplish more than rambling, repetitive gushing ever will. I'm not going to explain to you how to have feelings (unless you're an alien robot sent here to learn our Earthly customs but then OH WHAT HAVE I DONE?!) -- but hopefully if you've been placed in this position you are truly happy for your friend/family member and the love they have found. So yeah, use that.

One critical element that must be in said poignant ending -- you must say some nice things specifically directed at the other person. If you are the best man this means a few meaningful and well-chosen words about the bride that go beyond "you look beautiful tonight." although you should probably not skip that obligatory compliment, either.

A note on crying: in case you haven't heard, some people get emotional at weddings. This is OK! If you're overcome by the moment and happen to tear up a little bit it adds a dose of gravitas to the occasion. Just tried to avoid turning into a blubbering mess who can't get two words out, which makes it weird for everyone. Luckily, if you follow this plan, you don't have all that many words to get out, which brings us to rule number three.

Keep it short

You are not the star here. The function of the toast is for you to honor the couple you're celebrating, not turn the thing into a multimedia one-man show. Even if you happen to be a funny, engaging public speaker, doing some self-editing and paring it down to a few really thoughtful minutes is a much more effective way to convey your feelings than a self-indulgent spectacle that drags on and on.

And if this whole "speech" thing terrifies you and you think you are terrible at public speaking? Look, there's a chance you actually aren't good at this! But if you keep it fairly brief, the extent to which you can really screw up is substantially minimized, as no one will be dwelling on how long you kept them from the bar.

Note: none of this applies to fathers of the bride and other parental speeches -- they raised a damn kid and are likely footing at least some of the bill for this thing, so they may indulge themselves as they see fit (though, parents -- if you wanna stick to this approach, it's a real winner!).

There are some other housekeeping-type tips that'll help make your speech more polished. Index cards look much cleaner than paper, though you should be familiar enough with your blessedly short remarks that the cards are there mainly for the occasional backup glance (winging it is not advisable -- you're actually MORE likely to talk forever if you haven't planned anything).

Also I've personally found that two pre-speech drinks (if you're of roughly normal boozer tolerance) will land you in that sweet spot between "overly nervous" and "using the mic stand to prop yourself up."

But these are all next-level details. If you stick to the big three -- funny, poignant, short -- you'll just about ensure that you won't be the one to screw up the wedding, or at least not via your speech. What happens on the dance floor is up to you.

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Thrillist Deputy Editor Matt Lynch has given everything from best-man toasts to graduation speeches without ever being booed, although his hearing isn’t the greatest. Invite him to your wedding at @MLynchChi, he gives solid gifts.