Sex Tips for Boring People: Orgasm Blackouts, Unwanted Fetishes, and Proper Sexting

Sex Tips for Boring People will take your sex life from vanilla to passion fruit. Or at least from vanilla to vanilla bean. Find more sexy advice right here.

A good orgasm, like pumpkin pie and a marathon of Law & Order: SVU on a Sunday night, is pretty much the greatest thing around. There's nothing quite like that moment when your body builds with that aching pleasure only to culminate in a back-arching electric explosion, sending chills down your spine, while warming all your right parts simultaneously...

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But as good as orgasms can be, is it actually possible to have one SO good that you black out? Not really. "An orgasm is an intense neurological event that causes a cascade of different neurotransmitters to fire," says Dr. Ian Kerner, a licensed psychotherapist and nationally recognized sexuality counselor who specializes in sex therapy. "It's a release of sexual tension. I don't have patients who have reported blacking out."

Kerner suggests blackouts could be possible when sex is mixed with medication, drugs, or alcohol -- but otherwise, they're not likely. "When people orgasm they will describe an out-of-body state, or an out-of-consciousness," Kerner says. "People are very subjective when describing orgasms, so it's possible what for someone is an out-of-body experience to someone else feels like a blackout."

Bottom line: if you haven't had a truly memorable orgasm I urge you to go home and practice until you do. Or, if you're lucky enough to have someone willing to help you, call them. Immediately. You have work to do.

The word "fetish" is used far too often these days to refer to any type of sexual proclivity or preference. The actual definition of fetish is "a form of sexual desire in which gratification is linked to an abnormal degree to a particular object, item of clothing, part of the body, etc." So if you like big boobs, you do not have a fetish. Now that we have that out of the way, if you do indeed, have a fetish, can you get rid of it?

"Some psychologists believe that fetishes are a result of conditioning and imprinting from when we are very young," says Kerner. "Traditionally we turn to the idea that a sexual imprinting of a fetish might be the result of a type of trauma. There's research today that supports that fetishes may just be orientations, like if you are gay or straight. It's hard to know how to treat a fetish when you don't always know what's causing it."

In Kerner's professional opinion, fetishes are often the attempt to master some sort of childhood trauma. "I have one patient who is obsessed with tickling and being tickled during sex, and that has a basis in some childhood events that were somewhat traumatic," he says. "What I do with men who have problematic sexual behaviors or feel like they have very rigid fetishes, is I create an environment that gives them permission to explore it. I affirm the part that they may consider unhealthy about themselves."

Kerner believes in addressing the particular fetish, normalizing it, and affirming it. That way it doesn't seem so taboo and may therefore become less of an urge. "You often can't reduce the excitement of a fetish," he says, "but you can increase inhibitions around the fetish and build an overall sexual health plan."

If you haven't got the hang of sexting yet, don't worry. It's weird. Instead of actually having sex or even phone sex, today we're expected to send long, detailed descriptions of sexual acts to a partner in real time so that we can both orgasm simultaneously, while still typing to let the other person know exactly what is going on.

Sexting is also an activity highly fraught with anxiety; as you're expected to flex your super-steamy sex muscles in verbs and adjectives as a means to show your partner that you're both a gymnast and a wizard in the bedroom.

That said, sexting has kind of become the norm. And it can be an amazing form of foreplay to get you, and keep you, in the mood. So if you're new, here are a few things to keep in mind:
 

Ask questions
A more experienced sexter typically knows the right trigger words to say to really get your imagination in motion. Let them show off a little bit while you sneakily pick up tips along the way. Ask them what they are doing to themselves, or ask what they would like you to do them. See how they respond and use that as a template for later.

Use words of encouragement
Words like "mmm" or "I like that" when they are answering your questions will egg them on to continue. A classic "tell me more" goes a long way, too.

Keep it simple
There's that gut-plummeting feeling when you get the "Now you" text from your partner, asking you to share your fantasies. Don't worry about alliteration, themes, motifs, or anything else you learned in high school English. If you're just starting out, sometimes it's best to just be blunt. "I want you to go down on me" can be very effective.

Leave room for more
If you're new and nervous, you can totally mask it under a veil of seductive coyness. This is especially true if you haven't banged yet. Tempting and teasing your partner is half the fun with actual sex, and the same can be said for virtual. "I can't stop thinking about what I'm going to do to you" will get your partner thinking about it as well. If they ask for more details you can follow up with "I'd rather show you in person."

Sexting, like sex, is all about comfort zones. Don't do anything you aren't ready for! But if you feel comfortable trying new things, go for it. There's absolutely nothing wrong with exploring your sexuality. But, like sex, there are a few caveats to keep in mind:

Don't try to be someone you're not. Sexting is great because it allows you to be a little more creative since you don't have to look this person in the eye, but if you project a completely different personality over text it's going to be a tad awkward later.

And if you haven't met the person you're sexting with yet, it's probably not a great idea to exchange photos. You just… never know.

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