When Talking Dirty Goes Bad: The Weirdest Things Actually Said in Bed
Pillow talk is great, but the being in the bedroom doesn’t save us from awkward conversational moments. Au contraire. Some people say weirder shit than a 9/11 conspiracy theorist in a tinfoil hat when they’re between the sheets. How weird can it get? We surveyed folks about the weirdest things they’ve heard in the sack. Turns out, aluminum hats might be on the normal side of things.
"’Put your belt around my neck, and walk me like a dog.’ I think that was the first time we slept together. We got together a few random times over the years, but it was mellower.” --Jacob, 28
Who said people into BDSM aren’t resourceful? But the question remains, does Jacob have to take her outside when she scratches at the door? And more importantly, does he have to pick it up?
Grin and bare it
“My dick is smiling in you.” --Elliot, 25
Like a gummy geriatric smile, or a toothy Julia Roberts smile? If it’s the latter, I’d run.
“I was on a date with a girl one time, and she had a tattoo of a last name on her back. I asked her what the name was. She said, ‘That's my ex-husband's last name. You can cum on that later.’" --Adam, 34
If I were Adam, I would have tried to write my name over it with my man juice. But I’m the possessive type. Also, a last-name lower back tattoo isn’t a tramp stamp; it’s the human equivalent of cattle branding.
“Tell me the five tenets of international relations theory.” --Alice, 24
I should have told you that Alice was nailing her college advisor, but this way was much more fun. I can’t say I’m mad at this. As a poli-sci major who had a serious thing for one of her professors, I can relate... internationally.
Plenty of fish
“I was in bed with this girl, and we were kind of dirty talking about the things she wanted to do. Then she goes, ‘Will you take me deep sea fishing?’ Uhhh, what?” --Ben, 40
First of all, no one wants to hear about fish in bed, unless you’re this guy. Also, I don’t trust a woman who isn’t afraid of mercury poisoning.
Rock of ages
“In college, a one-night stand said, ‘I’m f*cking you like a stone, like a rock. Tell me I’m your favorite rock!’” --Amanda, 34
Just in case you wanted to know what sex with Dwayne Johnson was like. Or maybe Keith Richards... or Jagger. Definitely Jagger, but only if he had the moves.
“’Did you use organic detergent, because if not, I am going to have to leave, because I will have a reaction.’ The guy leaves, and I realize my period started. It was his excuse. Really dude?!” --Candice, 32
There’s nothing more organic than a woman’s uterine lining. Just saying. Get a better exit strategy. Preferably one that doesn’t make us think you take laundry advice from Gwyneth Paltrow?
Fill ‘er up
“‘I think I peed inside you.’ Aaannnd he did.” --Jessica, 28
For those of you who thought that was impossible, I wish you good nightmares and happy WebMD searches.
A religious experience
“‘This Jewish girl was like, ‘Ahh I didn’t know you're Jewish?’ And I started laughing. I was like, ‘No…’” --Paul, 28
For context, it might help to know that Paul is Italian and Catholic. It might also help to know (for all you goys out there) that Jews are typically circumcised. Plenty of non-Jews are circumcised, too, though. It’s sort of like that thing you learned in math: a square is a always a rhombus, but a rhombus is not always a square. Except in this case, “square” means Jewish and “rhombus” means sans foreskin. It’s a lesson in anatomical geometry.
P-push it real good
“When I was 18, I had a girl tell me to pretend her vagina was a Push Pop, while I was trying to figure out how to go down on her. Which in hindsight is weird, but it was helpful at the time.” --Daniel, 28
I like where this girl’s head is at (pun intended). Way to appropriate the sexuality of phallic food items!
“You remind me so much of my sister.” --Me (Julia), 28
I still can’t watch Joe Dirt. I find it triggering.
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Julia Reiss is a writer and standup comedian who will tell the whole internet if you say weird shit to her in bed. She’s been known to tweet about it, too. Follow her: @thereisspice.