Pay attention, because this is probably the only poll about dicks you’ll read about that doesn’t involve Donald Trump until November 2016. While it wasn’t touched on during the debates, foreskin is an issue that affects everyone. To cut, or not to cut? That is the perennial, penial question. Fifty women weighed in -- but before we get to their reasoning, let’s take a look at the results.
Drum roll, please…
Prefers cut: 17
Prefers uncut: 4
No preference: 18
What’s foreskin?: 11
Even a dick poll can’t escape the two-party metric of American politics, with dual dominating perspectives coming in nearly neck and neck (or turtleneck and turtleneck, as it were). And as in most elections, the more moderate perspective always seems to win. By a slim margin, the greatest number of respondents remain foreskin-neutral, which is good news for men everywhere. Most women are, in fact, equal-opportunity employers in bed.
A closer inspection of our pecker poll:
“No preference. To quote Gertrude Stein, ‘A dick is a dick is a dick.’” -Simone, 29
That’s tough to logic to argue with. A dick by any other name would still probably smell just as musky, with or sans turtleneck.
“All dicks are weird.” -Diana, 27
Trying to make a dick look pretty is sort of like trying to put lipstick on a pig. What’s more, of the women who preferred a Kosher dog, few said they would actually turn down the sexual advances of someone they liked just because he wasn’t circumcised. For most of them, function trumps form.
“Just be hard.” -Beth, 55
You tell ‘em, Beth.
However, nearly the same amount of women claimed to prefer a penis that could be attached to someone whose last name that ended in “stein” or “berg,” even if they themselves are not Jewish. While it’s true that circumcision is one of the oldest traditions of Judaism (shout out to Leviticus 12:3!), it’s also a very American thing to do. For better or for worse, a clean-cut penis is as American as hamburgers and the Second Amendment. Some blame the Yankee obsession with cleanliness, even though there are conflicting reports as to whether or not circumcision has true value in terms of health, and it remains one of the most highly debated procedures in medicine. For many of the women polled, this preference is mostly aesthetic and rooted in familiarity.
“[An uncircumcised] penis reminds me of those toys from the '90s. You know, the ones filled with water that would slip through your hands. It’s too much to work with.” -Gabi, 28
But then there are the more devout disciples...
“Give me circumcision or give me death.” -Allison, 28
For the women out there who have never experienced a penis in its natural state, which includes 22% of our poll, it can be intimidating simply because it’s foreign (metaphorically and probably literally). Although once it’s erect, it’s pretty much business as usual depending on the amount of skin present. See, this is the reason every girl should do a semester abroad.
Perhaps shockingly, only four of the 50 women polled prefer a penis au naturel, and you can include me in that four. They way I see it, dicks are like iPhones: they are very delicate and ought to come with a carrying case. Despite being half Jewish, I find circumcision completely barbaric, and so did some of the women I spoke with. While I can understand how it might have been the “clean” thing to do back in the day before running water was a thing, and we were washing ourselves exclusively with lard and lavender, circumcision seems totally unnecessary now. In fact, circumcision in most of the world is much rarer and almost exclusively done for religious purposes.
“It’s crazy that they cut it off, and it only looks weird because we’re not used to it. Sex is better for everyone with it.” -Rachel, 52
It’s true that men with uncircumcised penises tend to report a higher degree of sensitivity and more intense orgasms than their trimmed peers. That's because the foreskin itself, which is full of nerve endings and highly vascular, is actually more sensitive than the glans mucosa (that’s the “head” in layman’s speak). Some even postulate that foreskin provides natural friction, which increases female lubrication and sensation for all parties.
“I just think cutting baby dicks is WAY weirder than a dude with a snorkledick.” -Lauren, 33
While I would die happy if I never had to hear the word “snorkledick” again, Lauren raises a valid point. In an age increasingly defined by sexual empowerment and liberty, why are male infants being subjected to this without any say in the matter? If men were as sexualized as women culturally, would circumcision be considered with the same disdain as female genital mutilation?
The good news: no matter what type of accessories your junk is rocking this cuddle season, guys, you’re sure to find someone out there to be your little spoon. Anyway, last time I checked men don’t use foreskin to text back.
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