December 23rd: Your parents unquestionably had sex on April Fool’s Day
It took your dad several months to see the humor in this particular prank. He’s happy now though. Probably? Right? DAD?!
January 26th: Your folks for sure knocked boots on Cinco de Mayo
Various generational and cultural factors will dictate whether or not tequila was involved, but still. May 5th. Mark it down.
March 27th: Mom and dad got all sexily patriotic on the Fourth of July
Your mom never could resist a man in ill-advised jorts nearly pulling a Jason Pierre-Paul on himself with some fireworks after Mary Longman put too much vodka in the red, white & blue Jell-O shooters. Luckily she was only subjected to said temptation that one time. She was also wearing jorts, but like, cute ones.
May 12th: It was the middle of August and they were bored
July 24th: You were 100% conceived on Halloween
Whatever you do late-July babies, do not allow yourself to view photographic evidence of your parents’ costumes from that year. No matter what (or who) they were, that knowledge will haunt your dreams forever. Even if they were something seemingly innocuous, like Raggedy Ann and Andy. See? That’s horrifying! Don’t ever find out.