Have you ever calculated nine months backward from the date of your birth? Because you should! You might learn something. If you were born September 20th, for example, you might learn that your parents, maybe, possibly, but also TOTALLY did it on Christmas.
Now, obviously calculating your precise date of conception is an inexact science and pregnancy terms vary and whatever. We could go on and on and on with the caveats. This doesn’t change the fact that if you’re a mid-late September baby, there is a 100% chance your dad found himself feeling rather amorous due to the potent combination of a third glass of eggnog and that one scene in It’s a Wonderful Life where Donna Reed loses her robe. The holiday-colored sparks flew.
By the time Clarence had his wings, they’d already done the deed.
Again, this is just conjecture that also happens to be completely inescapable fact.
Not a September 20th baby? Fear not! Because other notable, probable (but, like, definite) circumstances surrounding holiday babymaking are detailed below.
September 27th: Your parents definitely banged on New Year’s Eve
What you will not read here: cheap “Dick Clark” puns (RIP). What you WILL read: that a birthday toward the tail end of September proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that your mom became a little competitive when some of the other couples seemed to be a little more vigorous with their stroke-of-midnight smooching at the “Fondue and Friends” dinner party at Loretta’s house (just something low-key, you know? It’ll be great!). Well, she showed those neighborhood bitches because your parents went home and made a damn baby. So... technically you were conceived on New Year’s Day, but whatever.
October 12th: Without a doubt, Martin Luther King Day
Actually making jokes about this feels kind of uncomfortable? Plus, MLK varies a bit in observance from year to year, so it’s difficult to really know for sure.
That said, it definitely happened. Your dad’s swimmers were free at last.
November 10th: Your rather unoriginal parents did it on Valentine’s Day
This becomes even more of a lock if your first and middle names are Russell and Stover. Or Fannie and May, for the ladies.
December 7th: Your possibly Irish parents got down on St. Patrick’s Day
It was so beautiful. Your father, angrily pounding Guinness after a string of poorly conceived March Madness bets. Your mother, berating the bartender for cutting her off after an attempt to rekindle her childhood Irish-dancing hobby went about as poorly as expected. They don’t remember doing it that night, but they sure remember that positive pregnancy test that came weeks later.
December 23rd: Your parents unquestionably had sex on April Fool’s Day
It took your dad several months to see the humor in this particular prank. He’s happy now though. Probably? Right? DAD?!
January 26th: Your folks for sure knocked boots on Cinco de Mayo
Various generational and cultural factors will dictate whether or not tequila was involved, but still. May 5th. Mark it down.
March 27th: Mom and dad got all sexily patriotic on the Fourth of July
Your mom never could resist a man in ill-advised jorts nearly pulling a Jason Pierre-Paul on himself with some fireworks after Mary Longman put too much vodka in the red, white & blue Jell-O shooters. Luckily she was only subjected to said temptation that one time. She was also wearing jorts, but like, cute ones.
May 12th: It was the middle of August and they were bored
July 24th: You were 100% conceived on Halloween
Whatever you do late-July babies, do not allow yourself to view photographic evidence of your parents’ costumes from that year. No matter what (or who) they were, that knowledge will haunt your dreams forever. Even if they were something seemingly innocuous, like Raggedy Ann and Andy. See? That’s horrifying! Don’t ever find out.
August 18th: Your parents beat the food coma and got all Thanksgiving sexy
Actually, this one probably isn’t true.Tryptophan is powerful stuff.
Sign up here for our daily Thrillist email, and get your fix of the best in food/drink/fun.
Thrillist Deputy Editor Matt Lynch recently learned that "Call Me" by Blondie was a popular song during the week of his conception. He is not sure what to do with this information. Follow him: @MLynchChi.