In Bed With Gigi Engle: I Think I'm Being Ghosted for the Second Time by the Same Guy
Welcome to In Bed with Gigi Engle, a weekly column in which sex and relationships writer Gigi Engle answers your most intimate questions. Nothing is off-limits! From threesomes to anal, unrequited love to cheating: we want to hear it all.
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Dear Auntie G,
Two years ago, I began casually seeing a guy for about four months. One day, he ghosted me and fell off the face of the earth.
About a month ago, my best friend met a guy at a bar who happened to be best friends and roommates with the guy who ghosted me. And last week, her new boo showed up to meet us at a club... and brought my ex along.
My heart sank in my stomach, but I played it cool and we were friendly to each other. About an hour later, we ended up hooking up. I went back to his place and slept over. The next day we got up, kissed goodbye, and I left.
I haven't heard from him since.
Now that I've been ghosted twice by the same guy, how should I handle seeing him around because of our mutual friends?
Let me give you some outside perspective on this jerk.
First of all, the fact this person ghosted you AT ALL says a lot about him. You dated him for four months! It’s not like it was two dates and he was like, “Peace out, homegirl.” To dip out without explanation after almost reaching a half-year mark with you is seriously rude, hurtful, and immature.
If he was a guy worth dating (or worth anything at all), he would have just called you or asked to meet for coffee and said he wasn't feeling it anymore. It stings to hear someone doesn’t want to hang out with you anymore, but at least it gives you closure. When you leave someone hanging, it forces them to ask hundreds of unanswerable questions about what could have happened.
What a selfish, disrespectful man-boy.
Ghosting is a coward's way out for people too chicken shit to address their feelings. My guess is one of two things happened: he was over you, or he got overwhelmed by his feelings. His reaction to either was to run. Bottom line, though: the "why" DOES NOT MATTER. This is not a guy you want anything to do with. He deserves to be banished to the Island of Fuckboys.
Now, for part two of this mess.
How ironic that your friend would start dating a ghoster's bestie/roommate. Just goes to show how the universe loves to play the meanest tricks on us. Tough love here, babe! You really shouldn't be surprised that he ghosted on you again because he already did that before when you dated for FOUR MONTHS. You just had a one-night stand with a man who had already shown you how little he values you.
A “what if?” is the kiss of death in dating.
Think about it. You were at a club, you were all drinking (I’m guessing) and you didn’t tell him to go fuck himself. You were nice to him. Your reaction to seeing him gave him the impression everything was cool between you two. In his mind he’s thinking, “Oh, dope. This girl likes me, isn’t mad at me and is right here. I’m going to go for it.” Classic.
Honestly, don’t beat yourself up about hooking up with him. He’s cute, you really liked him and he left you with so many unanswered questions about your former tryst. A “what if?” is the kiss of death in dating.
This was never going to end well. You already had all the information to conclude this man would not suddenly be wonderful to you. I know it’s easy to get wrapped up and think, “Maybe he’s changed! Maybe it will work out this time! Maybe the universe brought him to me in this club because we have unfinished business! Maybe he even came here tonight because his roommates told him I’d be here!”
We all think like this (thanks a lot, every rom-com on the planet), but real life doesn't work like this. He was just horny, he knew you were into him, and he capitalized on an opportunity. As far as he’s concerned, it’s over now. He got what he wanted.
When people actually do the work to make changes in their lives and how they treat people, they put effort out into the universe in newly conscious, meaningful ways. We don't flippantly run into people at clubs and screw around with them. That's not mindful evolution. That's this guy acting just like had has in the past.
Now, about the inevitable awkwardness of you continuing to run into him for as long as your friend is dating his bestie: take the high road. I’m not saying you should talk to him, hug him, or bro down. He gets no more of your energy from here on out, OK? That means no positive energy, and no negative energy either. You do not need to be texting him, berating him in public, or causing a scene.
He was just horny, he knew you were into him, and he went for it.
Just pretend he doesn’t exist. Be an ice queen. If you can avoid being in the same place, do so. But if you're at the same place, stay away from him. YOU DON'T KNOW HIM. Find another guy at the club to flirt with. The last thing you should do is be friendly to him. He doesn’t deserve that. He doesn’t deserve even having your friendship after treating you like dirt under his shoe.
It will probably be a bit awkward at first, but you’re a grown ass woman who can handle it. Bring another friend along to be your wingwoman. Have fun. Do NOT focus on this loser. All he wants to do is fuck you... and then fuck you over. Again.
Love your favorite internet auntie,
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