4. Add new pictures
Making a point to add new pictures will inevitably lead to adding new life experiences, which is really the whole point of it all. Getting up and getting out of the house (while documenting the experience) will get you out of your rut and show the world you’re a fun, single guy (or gal!) with cool friends (yep!) and probably a mammoth penis (or not!) There are plenty of ways to make yourself look like you didn't just spend your weekend eating milk-less Cheerios in your underwear.
5. Don't overdo the self-righteous, depressing statuses
This isn’t 2003 and you’re not on AIM anymore. At one point, Facebook was to vent about your emotions and post Bright Eyes lyrics. However, now your parents and married friends are online and will definitely think you’re deeply disturbed if you write shit like “I have all but died from the sheer weight of my shame, you cried but no one came.” On second thought, don’t post any statuses on Facebook at all -- that's what Twitter is for.
6. Upload a new profile picture
You can find dates on any platform if you try hard enough, so who’s to say you need to stick to Tinder to get lucky? There are plenty of ways to improve your photo game -- in fact, you can even get someone to take the picture for you. Just make sure you look happy, healthy, and are holding $1,000 in cash. People love cash!
7. Be careful what you share
Facebook’s slowly transformed over the years as a platform in which you now share interesting and newsworthy stories rather than song lyrics and pictures of you holding red Solo cups. That being said, you need to up your game by seriously filtering out what you share. Stray away from listicles comprised of puppy GIFs and sleepy sloths and try for the more intellectual -- albeit pretentious -- publications that everybody pretends to read: The New Yorker, Paris Review, and, of course, McSweeney's. Yes, I absolutely just linked my own article. This is to remind you to not back away from tastefully promoting yourself a bit. And to (hopefully!) entertain you.
8. Instant happiness
OK fine -- things might still suck for a while. But you're strong, dammit! Eventually you're gonna find someone new and find yourself less and less compelled to spend time on Facebook (you know, because of all the sex and what not). In the meantime, stick with it and make sure your Facebook habit's doing you more good than harm.
Sign up here for our daily Thrillist email, and get your fix of the best in food/drink/fun.
Jeremy Glass is a writer for Thrillist by day, but moonlights as a sack of potatoes by night.