Guys, there is really nothing creepier than a dude who shaves his entire junk.
Don't get me wrong: Courtesy trims are above-board. Light manscaping, I can rally behind. No one likes an overgrown bush you have to navigate through blindly to get to the goods. But women don’t really need you to overdo it with the shaver.
Maybe some women are into it, but I’m a lady who enjoys the manliness of some hair down there. It’s part of the savage appeal. Put the razor away! I'm begging you.
The pre-pubescent look is distracting
A few years ago, I hooked up with a dude who was a hard 9. He was tall, super-fit, and Jewish. We started taking off each other’s clothes to do the sex, when I glanced at his downstairs situation, ready for the full manly bush that was awaiting me.
But that’s not what I found beneath his dad jeans. He was as bare as a baby’s bottom; naked as a bald eagle. It was all so unexpected and strange. And I had a problem with it. It didn’t stop me from sleeping with him (obviously... ) -- but I was definitely slightly irked.
In fact, whenever I think back to the those few months of really good, super-hot sex, the first thing that pops into my mind is that guy’s shaved sack. I have so many questions, so many unanswered queries that I want to voice. But I didn't dare bring it up, as I didn't want to offend him. I mean, if a guy asked me about my unsavory hair situation, I would definitely be offended.
Why do you do this?
Mr. Over Manscaper, why do you do this? Why do you take the time to shave your pubes down to this stubbly mess? They're too coarse to ever be completely smooth, and the stubble is giving me a rash.
You shouldn't have five o’clock shadow on your testicles. It’s weird. When I look down and see that there isn’t any hair, I wonder how long it took and what compelled you to make the effort.
There’s no need for you to think this is “daring.” You're no risk-taker -- you're just kind of being gross.
Who are you shaving for?
When I shave, it’s for you. I’d rather just go Tarzan and enjoy a full bush, but y’all don’t want that. I find it awkward that dudes want me to look like a pre-teen, but it’s not that hard to shave and I’m willing to make that sacrifice, if I like you enough.
For you, it’s a different story. It’s a dangerous proposition. Do you enjoy being hair-free, or is this something you think I want? Please, don’t do it for me, if that’s the reason. If you like hairlessness, great. I have no issue with your naked balls if you truly love them.
However, I highly doubt you bent into an unfathomable yoga pose to clean-shave your balls, with a straight razor, for your own enjoyment. No, you definitely did that because you thought it was what I wanted. I don’t want it.
How do you not hurt yourself?
Seriously, I’m genuinely asking. When you take your pants off and I see a wrinkly scrotum sans hair, I’m curious as to HOW this was even possible. Balls are so delicate. A razor should be nowhere near them. How do you manage to stretch them to the point where they can even be shaved? I feel like your hands would be shaking like crazy given the pressure
And what if you slipped? Or your hand twitched? You're one bad shaving calamity away from the ER, having to explain that you were in the midst of impersonating a porn-star when tragedy struck. That does NOT sound fun.
Did someone tell you this was a good idea?
I’m assuming one of your bros told you chicks really dig it when you shave all your pubic hair off. I’m also assuming you got confirmation of this fact from the porn you watch. Please remember this, gentlemen, the porn you’re watching isn’t made for women.
Yes, we like porn but we’re not the target audience. Women weren’t asked what they wanted to see before a director told the actors to shave their genitals. It’s purely to make their penises look bigger while giving the (male) viewer a better view of the vulva in the video. Before you take a razor to your penis, how about you ask the girl you’re having sex whether or not she enjoys a close shave? More often than not, she isn’t going to want you to do that. Assuming makes an ass of you and me, remember?
Shouldn’t we all just go wild and free?
At the end of the day, I do appreciate the effort. Thank you for going through such mystifying effort to please me, however misguided.
But don't do it on my account -- pubes should really be about you. Some hair on your junk, whether you’re a man or woman, isn’t going to affect the quality of boning you have with your partner. It’s human hair and we should all get over it. Your pubes should really be however you want them to be!
Of course, if this is all for you, then you go right ahead, Mr. Over Manscaping Man. You do you. I’m only judging you a little.