What Movies and TV Always Get Wrong About Sex
There's no better escape from the drudgery of real life than an ice-cold beer and a piping-hot movie. It's the perfect way to tune out the deafening noise of car horns and texts from your dad asking you to help him make sense of Reddit.
A film doesn't even necessarily have to be based in reality to be financed and released nationwide: take Funny People, for example; a movie that explores a world in which Adam Sandler actually makes people laugh. Remarkable!
However, there are some tired cliches remaining in cinema that cue eye rolls from even the most diehard movie fans -- and they're always during sex scenes. Why is movie sex always so bad and unbelievable? Doesn't matter, we're not here to change it -- just to complain.
Nobody ever uses protection
Spontaneous sex definitely happens in real life and can actually be a really fun way to shake up an otherwise boring routine... but the way it's portrayed in movies makes it into an act that causes both parties to forget that things like condoms exist.
Do you think Scarlett Johansson grabbed a handful of condoms before going to the bone zone with Jonathan Rhys Meyers in Match Point? Boning a loved one in the middle of Frozen may seem fun, but a steamy memory won't get all of those crabs out of your pubic hair. Seriously, how hard is it to run to your bedroom to grab a condom before you engage in sweet, illicit hallway sex?
Nobody ever cleans up afterward
Maybe I'm the crazy one for insisting upon a good post-coital scrub-down in the sink, but I think the notion that people can just fall asleep after having dirty sex is ridiculous. What about that after-sex smell? Consider urinary tract infections. The stickiness?! Why not take advantage of being naked by jumping in the shower afterward? You can even jump in together, which brings us to our next point...
Shower sex is never awkward
It only takes one romp in the shower to know that it's extremely difficult to have sex in a tiny porcelain box. Raise your hand if you've ever successfully found a way to do it in the shower without endangering both of your lives. Still, Hollywood manages to make it look like the most romantic thing on Earth and somehow always leaves out the part where you have to stop midway through to wash all that shampoo off your dick.
Let’s not forget pool sex, too -- here's lookin' at you, Showgirls.
She's always ready to go
Let's give a big shoutout to Michelle Monaghan for perpetuating the myth that some women don't need any time to warm up between disrobing and full-on penetration. You can literally just take off her clothes and throw it in without any lubrication or foreplay. Seriously, if you don't believe me, watch the pilot of The Path or episode six of True Detective.
Clumsy sex can be cute
Something Hollywood seems to always get right is how awkward sex can be. Still, it never seems to make it awkward enough. Not every girl is going to give a cute laugh when you can't get it up, nor will you catch the hint that you've been sitting on her hair the entire time. Remember the car sex from Titanic in which Jack and Rose fumble in the back of an old-timey car? Come on, that kind of stuff is a nightmare in real life. Plus, who knowingly has sex on a rapidly sinking ship?! Just kidding, guys; calm down.
Both people always finish at the same time
Lol, come on. Even seasoned couples don't always get this one right: finishing at the same time -- i.e., the simultaneous orgasm -- is a rare and satisfying event that needs serious dedication and patience. It's especially ridiculous when neither person announces that they're about to orgasm, leading us to wonder how they still managed to do it at the same time. One movie that hit the nail on the head was 40 Days and 40 Nights -- it got everything else wrong, though.
She's gonna be loud
If you're a dude who swears by sexy movies and feel relatively sure that everything that happens on screen happens in real life, then you'll probably be pretty disappointed when you find out that not every woman screams like a dying cockatiel during intercourse... or the Lassie girl from Porky's. Of course, some women are louder than others, but chances are -- if it happens in real life -- she's faking it, bro.
Virgins are all one-pump chumps
OK, this one isn't always wrong, but movies like American Pie led us to believe that a virgin will last all of 10 seconds before blowing his load -- sometimes before he even puts it in. Poor Jason Biggs... he will forever be the poster boy of premature ejaculation and pie-fucking. Surely there are some novices out there who've heard of kegels or spent time practicing the art of not bustin' a nut too early.
Kinky freaks come out of nowhere
People with kinks tend to be a little more open about their interests... so when you see scenes where the guy surprises the girl by asking her to suck his entire foot, you know that the director is taking some liberties. One of the finest recent examples comes from the hilarious Broad City, in which Abbi's neighbor suddenly brings up the idea of pegging him in the middle of sex. People can be shy, but it's rare that an especially kinky person will keep their mouth shut about their fetish until they're halfway done with sex. If you truly want someone to swallow your foot, bring it up at dinner.
Every guy wants to fuck twins
You guys realize that having sex with two twin sisters is weird, right? I mean, do you want to see your sibling naked? Because, that's what would happen if you and your twin decided to fuck someone at the same time. Incest ain't cool, even when Austin Powers does it. That doesn't make the Coors Light commercial any less cool, though.
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Jeremy Glass is a writer for Thrillist and generally sticks to sex with non-pie entities.