Your Best Friend's Significant Other Sucks. Now What?

Bright/Kauffman/Crane Productions
Bright/Kauffman/Crane Productions

So your buddy is totally in love with his girlfriend. And you want to be supportive of his relationship. Really, you do. But there’s a problem: she kinda sucks and you're secretly desperately hoping he gets rid of her. You have your reasons -- some valid, others questionable. But for the sake of your friendship, it's important to address your issues -- outlined below -- with caution.

She's basically your third roommate

At first, living with your friend was the shit. You watched Gold Rush on Friday nights with nothing but a six-pack and each other. Well, better make it a 12-pack now, because his girlfriend literally NEVER leaves your place. And you resent her. You spend your hard-earned money on that converted two-bedroom, and dammit if Velcro-nica is going to freeload, infringe upon guy time, and leave eight face creams in your medicine cabinet. Your home is your haven so definitely speak up for yourself, but confront your buddy -- NOT her. Remember: he's the one allowing her to do this. State your concern and suggest they start spending a few nights at her place.
 

She's the reason you never have man night anymore

"Bros before hoes" doesn’t hold much weight once a relationship becomes serious, and if you've ever had a girlfriend, you know this firsthand. It’s hard to make everyone happy -- and the clingier Rachel becomes, the more your buddy struggles with splitting up his time. It doesn't mean you're no longer his blood brother, homeboy, ride-or-die, etc. Don't let this be about jealousy! Be glad Rachel likes him as much as you do. But if he hasn't been out with just the boys in months, do the work for him. Clap him on the shoulder with a platonic "We miss you, man," and plan a guys-only Taco Tuesday.

Flickr/Melissa Emmons

She talks like a fog horn and you're one beer away from telling her to shut up

That does sound wildly unpleasant. But if the only thing Nikki is hurting is your ears, there's really not much you can do besides leave the room. Catching a buzz and name-calling is only going to cause tension and make your friend feel like he needs to pick sides. Clearly your bud loves something about this Nikki chick, so try to get to know her better. Maybe you've both read every George Orwell book or have a mutual affinity for quoting Anchorman. It won't make her voice less annoying, but hey -- she's not running around pointing out your donkey-like laugh, either.
 

She doesn't have any hot friends for you

You can be bummed, but don't accost Amber for choosing her friendships based on personalities. Be proactive about your life and start swiping right more.
 

You saw her hooking up with some other dude

OK yeah, she sucks. Nobody likes a cheater, especially one who's running around on your best friend in a bro bar that's festering with Patagonias and hair gel. It's completely understandable that in that moment, you want Sarah dead -- or at the very least, severely inconvenienced with a Nancy Kerrigan-style blow to the leg. Since violence is frowned upon and you can't un-see the treachery, you're left with two options: sit down with your buddy and softly deliver the blow; or approach Sarah, then give her 24 hours to break the news on her own. In both instances, if you're over the age of 25, be prepared to explain why you were at that shitty bar in the first place.

Flickr/Marvin O.

She's a mooch

You're a good friend for buying the first round for everyone, including your buddy's girlfriend Lisa so she feels "in" with his crew. But if Lisa takes that vodka tonic, never offers to get next round, then eats your Buffalo pretzels without asking AGAIN, of course you think Lisa sucks. And the thing is, if she's taking advantage of your niceness, she's probably doing it to her boyfriend/your friend on a much greater scale. Luckily, there are ways to say "No way, bitch" without actually saying "No way, bitch." Next time you go on a Starbucks run and she asks you for a venti skinny caramel mooch-a-lotte, hit her with a, "Sure, you got cash?" Because $9 coffees are actually reserved for women you're sleeping with.

She's crazy

Calling a girl "crazy" is as vague as telling a teenager to be "responsible" -- what does that actually mean? Is Natalie "crazy" because she cries a lot? She could just be in touch with her feelings, which doesn't make her a bad person or lunatic. "Crazy" like she calls your buddy four times a day? Maybe on the DL he likes it (as if he'd ever admit that!) Or "crazy" meaning she threw Domino's cheesy bread sticks at him on his birthday in a fit of vodka-soaked rage? In that case, she's likely crazy... but since the dough wasn't hard enough to hurt him, it's OK to just laugh and thank God you're not the one dating her.

Sign up here for our daily Thrillist email, and get your fix of the best in food/drink/fun.

Brooke Sager is a contributing writer for Thrillist and a Patriots fan, but is still 80% sure she’s the significant other who doesn’t suck. You can be the judge by following her on Instagram and Twitter: @HIHEELZbrooke.