What Women Really Think of Your Bedroom
Your bedroom is your sanctuary. What you choose to do (or not do) with your personal space is a direct reflection of your persona and lifestyle -- and women take note. Perhaps to you, that plate caked with three-day-old Seamless remnants just blends in with the scenery. And maybe you love that Pineapple Express poster. But believe me, her inner dialogue on these matters will have you thinking twice about not dusting this week.
Roll of toilet paper on your nightstand
Look, do what you gotta do when you’re alone. But you have a guest. A lady guest whom you’re trying to impress. She knows exactly what you used that toilet paper for prior to her arrival, and impressed she is not. She’s wondering why you don’t just keep a more-applicable box of tissues nearby.
Rolex display box
OK, so your high-powered job at Credit Suisse probably checks out. She may even find it attractive that you have a taste for the finer things in life. But if you're communicating this fact by way of $60k worth of wristwatches exhibited on your dresser, don’t expect her to bother with the obligatory wallet reach next time the check comes.
Oh good, you work out and are actively taking steps to not wear a tire of Bud Light around your midsection. She noticed your gym bag on the floor last time, though -- those were different sweaty clothes hanging out of it, right? Like, that’s not what that smell is?
Now that you’ve graduated from U of A (six years ago), a bedside mini fridge that allows you to snag a Yuengling without emerging from your duvet is a sign of laziness, immaturity, and perhaps early onset alcoholism. If you brew your own beer, this is an interesting topic of discussion; but store the fruits of your labor in the refrigerator that’s, you know, in your kitchen.
This one is a catch 22. Dusting is the last chore on everyone’s list because it seems less urgent than, let's say, laundry or sponging unidentifiable hairs off the bathroom sink. But if you put off cleaning continuously, she will notice dust bunnies collecting on your floor, ceiling fan, and subsequently her socks, which is foul. Here’s why you can’t win: if your room is so clean you could confidently lick the windowsill, your obvious neurosis might alarm her.
Random hair elastics
Unless you are a connoisseur of the man bun, those better be your sister’s. Same with the bobby pins on your carpet, the single earring on your night table, or that extra toothbrush in your medicine cabinet.
Dude, you’re asking for it. Of course she’ll beg you to play her a song, because a man with a guitar is the universal panty dropper... but you probably already knew that, which is why your Martin is on display.
Your choice of wall art
This is arguably the most telling part of your room, since you are given a blank wall upon which to express yourself as you please. And you should use that space! No décor at all is serial-killer creepy, and/or the sign of a really boring human.
Posters procured from a sale at your college bookstore are all no-nos: the cliché beach scene, the Napoleon Dynamite movie poster, the two lipstick lesbians kissing in embrace. This tells her nothing about you or your interests, other than you’re too indolent to shop for real wall art. Photos of your high school basketball team mean you’re still basking in your glory days from more than a decade ago. Was that your life's peak?
A flag of the country you studied abroad in is great convo fodder if she also studied in Barcelona. But your parents probably paid for that semester of clubbing-and-sometimes-class, so if you still dub it "the best time of your life," she may wonder why you haven’t traveled further than that damn beer fridge since. Race medals and numbers say you’re a dedicated individual; but if you're rising at 7am for a training run, she's staying in bed.
Winning wall art: actual art, framed photos that you took yourself while skiing in Colorado (preferably demonstrating artistic talent), bookshelves with real books, and cool lighting. Now you'll get her attention.
Signed sports jersey
While a bit weird to have as a shrine (particularly if it's in a case), signed jerseys deliver cooler stories than a Peyton Manning poster taped over your bed. You may also gain some extra points if she allies with the same team. Otherwise, she'll be pissed when you ditch Sunday brunch with her to watch football with your buddies... every week.
If you have the head of a deceased herbivore mounted to your bedroom wall, she will most certainly ask about it. Hopefully she’s not with PETA, and hopefully you’ve had enough Maker's Mark to dull the pain of a gun-control debate. But regardless of her views on hunting, undressing in front of Bambi will perturb her. It’s like having a furry Mona Lisa follow her gaze around the room and judge her life choices. That's a lot to bear.
Two twin beds
No. Just, no. Is this your college dorm room or an episode of I Love Lucy? Did your Catholic mother decorate your adult apartment? Does she run your life? Do you do everything she says? It doesn't matter if you met the girl that night and she went home with you in a tequila-soaked oblivion -- women think ahead.
OhmyGodyouhaveadog?! She LOVES dogs!!! What kind?! What's his name?! She no longer wants to put on episodes of It’s Always Sunny as a prelude to disrobing, she just wants to play with the cute puppy-wuppy!!
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Brooke Sager is an NYC-based contributing writer for Thrillist who likes when the guy has a cat because cats don’t bark during episodes of It’s Always Sunny. She hopes that even though she just admitted to being a cat person, you’ll still follow her on Instagram and Twitter: @HIHEELZbrooke.