Whether you're getting down and dirty at a Best Western or high-rolling in the sheets at a Hilton, there's something especially hot about having sex at a hotel. But why limit yourself to the confines of your room? You might be on vacation, but it’s time to put your inner exhibitionist to work. Not sure which floor button to push? We’re here to help. Here are the best places to bone at a hotel, as told by past and current hotel employees.
Bathrooms are great gateway locales for riskier sexual destinations. Not only are they very private, but you once you're finished, you can fix your I-just-had-sex hair and wipe that lipstick of your neck before stepping foot back in public. Pro tip: find a unisex one if you can. We can't name the hotel, but many NYC dwellers may know of a certain Downtown establishment that has restrooms with floor-to-ceiling glass windows. And according to the staff, these bathrooms have seen their fair share of action.
"People have sex in those bathrooms all the time!" says one employee. "They’re completely see-through. [Neighbors] across the way can even see you peeing. We get complaints about it, but whatevs."
"Stairwells, 100%," confides one former reservationist. As if taking the stairs in and of itself wasn’t enough to get your heart rate going. While it might not be the most comfortable, your safest bet is to do it standing on a corner landing, equidistant from the doors to the floors above and below you (or so I've heard). This gives you the most time to act natural in case someone shows up. Keep in mind, many stairwells are surveilled by cameras. "You should see the shit the security guards would show me," says our source.
Stopping an elevator in a busy hotel for a quickie is a dubious proposition at best, but people do it. "Drunkards would always pull the emergency stop button," recounts one former concierge. And unlike stairwells, elevators are much more likely to have cameras in them. To decrease the likelihood of your bits winding up on the internet, you might want to try the service elevator, explains another employee, since there "aren't always cameras in there."
Skip the pool and head straight over to the hot tub. This tired cliché actually has a particular practical advantage: bubbles. They're like a blanket, but you know, not. Forget your swimsuit? Try the cabanas. "We had a pool on the roof with cabanas," recalls one former hotel employee, "which were situated right where guests could have sex and not be [seen] by others around the pool. I'm not talking an occasional thing, [this was] an almost daily occurrence." That towel boy must've had his work cut out for him.
Get on top
Of the roof, that is. Many hotels offer some sort of rooftop experience, whether it be a bar or a pool. This is actually good news for you, since in the absence of a formal venue, you're likely to set off an alarm by trying to get to the roof. Find a quiet corner and make sure to dress for... ahem, easy access. We can't think of a better way to enjoy the view. Traveling solo? No problem.
"There was a corner around the back [of the bar] where people would bang," confesses one former employee of a particularly sceney Meatpacking hotel. "One of my coworkers would hook up with girls while on his shift [there]."
If you're visiting a warm-weather destination, why not make the most of the great outdoors? You didn't travel all this way just to stay inside. Plus, palm leaves are like nature's very own "Do Not Disturb" signs. As one former bellhop recounts, "The hotel [I worked at] was a haven for men and women to come have affairs. There were bungalows with lots of greenery. Sex behind a tree was not uncommon."
Anywhere but the bed
Still not sold on the idea of doing it anywhere but your room? All you play-it-safe types may be wise to reconsider. According to our experts, hotel beds are basically petri dishes for the sexcapades of guests past.
In their hilarious tell-all, How May We Hate You?, veteran concierges Anna Drezen and Todd Dakotah Briscoe explain: "We see people stumble through the lobby all the time, clearly headed for 11 solid minutes of passion, and we cringe. We remember all the people who did the same exact thing on the same exact bed the night before, and the night before that, and on and on ad infinitum."
So, if nothing else, at least remember to remove the duvet cover before you get down to business. That thing "hasn't been washed since before you could legally give consent," write Drezen and Briscoe. Gross.
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Julia Reiss is a writer and stand-up comedian who, pending publication of this article, will probably be banned from every hotel in New York City. Follow her on Twitter: @thereisspiece.