19 Reasons My Crush Didn't Text Me Back
- He fell
- His arm got stuck
- He found out my greatest passion is eating until I am in physical pain
- He got trapped in a revolving door
- He had to shove his phone up his nose to stop a nose bleed
- He is busy liking my funny (but pretty) Instagrams and/or smart-yet-playful Facebook statuses in which I do a funny joke but also promote my live comedy shows!! (This is my plight.)
- He is allergic to reading
- He is busy learning about winged eyeliner so he can compliment me in a thoughtful way
- He is busy mailing me a package chock-full of just as many poems as I have Twitter followers because he is crazy like that
- He got too famous and they turned him into a wax statue so he can't really move his fingers at all, which honestly... is a bummer
- He accidentally cloned himself and no longer knows which version of him I am pursuing
- He is scared to put himself out there having recently discovered his ex-girlfriend has taken up aerial silks
- He is tired
- He overheard me say, "Bye ladypants!!!" to another real, live being and was like... brb
- He saw the really long hair that comes out of the mole on the right side of my face that I always forget to shave because honestly who has the time and, like, the patriarchy, etc.
- He found out I don't wash my hands every time I go to the bathroom -- lol almost nvr do xo
- His phone autocorrected his life to death and he died in real life
- He is dead
- There is no texting in the afterlife, because ghosts can't text because they are too busy being in the scary movies!
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Catherine Cohen is a writer/actor/voice-over artist living in Brooklyn. She performs on a house sketch team at The Upright Citizens Brigade Theater and hosts the monthly variety show "It's a Guy Thing" in Williamsburg. She is part of the New American Comedy collective and performs stand-up all around NYC. She graduated from Princeton University with a degree in English and theater. Follow her for Instagram poetry and tweets: @catccohen.