Welcome to In Bed with Gigi Engle, a weekly column in which sex and relationships writer Gigi Engle answers your most intimate questions. Nothing is off-limits! From threesomes to anal, unrequited love to cheating: We want to hear it all.
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My dating life is doomed.
For starters, I;m a "nice guy." I also totally lack confidence with women. And, I'm on the sensitive side of the male spectrum. I've tried all sorts of things over the years to meet women: online dating, cooking classes, dance lessons, even volunteering at marathons. I've certainly met some great friends along the way, and a few cool girls I did end up going out with. Unfortunately, the women I dated weren't the ones I was interested in; while the ones I really liked blew me off.
Now I'm in my 30s, and feel like I've tried everything: improving myself, creating opportunities to meet women, even experimenting with faking elements of my personality. But I'm still totally self-conscious about getting the women I want.
What's the advice you would give for a truly good guy who's never had any luck with women?
Thanks for writing. Let's see if we can deconstruct what is going on in your love life.
First things first, please promise me you'll never refer to yourself as a "nice guy" or "good guy" ever again. This is something not-so-nice guys say to reel in unsuspecting women. It's fake -- and ladies who are worth your time know it.
Listen, I'm all for emotional literacy. I think men should be able to talk about their feelings, decode their own emotions, and cry whenever they need to. No one wants to make babies with a stunted robot. But if you're really a nice guy, you don't have to say it all the time. You don't have to tell women how you're "on the sensitive side of the spectrum." You just have to be nice. You just have to be sensitive and kind. If you feel the need to constantly box yourself in and talk about how nice you are, no one will buy that you're actually a nice person.
I'm all for emotional literacy. I think men should be able to talk about their feelings, decode their own emotions, and cry whenever they need to.
So, start there. Stop doing that.
Next, we have GOT to talk about your taste in women. If you're only interested in women who blow you off, you're clearly attracted to the wrong type of person.
You say you've spent a lot of time improving yourself; but as far as I can tell, those improvements have been pretty superficial. Working on your career and health are great steps toward becoming a whole, healthy person. But they aren't enough -- and they certainly don't make you ready for love.
Your mindset is the thing that really needs training here. Until you actually have confidence and love yourself, you can't have a fulfilling relationship. Being with a nice woman is not about "settling." Being with someone who treats you well should be a thing you actually want. All these girls who are playing hard to get are not going to settle down with a man in his 30s and have babies right now. You have to get your priorities in order. Being treated like shit and getting played is not attractive.
I know, it's easier said than done. When you haven’t had a lot of luck with the opposite sex, it does a number on your confidence. I get it, trust me. But seeing things in this binary viewpoint of settling for someone you don't really like, or waiting around and hoping for the thing you want to manifest, are not your only options.
Here's the deal: The things and qualities you're attracted to are wrong for you. You need to do some internal digging and really figure out what you want in a partner. Do not resign yourself to a life of solitude or one with someone who isn't right for you.
Once you've done the work on yourself and are ready to be with someone who is not just hot but also your best friend, you'll find that person.
Once you've done the work on yourself and are ready to be with someone who is not just hot but also your best friend, you'll find that person. Dating stops being so difficult: The bad dates, confusion, and mixed messages just end. When you're on the same page with someone and have common goals, things become pretty calm and simple.
Don't go out and do a bunch of things you don't really care about just to turn some tail. Do the things you actually love and become the truest version of yourself. The woman of your dreams wants you the way you are, not the way you think you're supposed to be. You won't find true love when you're desperately looking for it -- and you definitely won’t find it until you know what it looks like.
Love your favorite internet auntie,
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