Sex + Dating

Drug Deals, Car Chases, and Other Dates Gone Horribly Wrong

"I love bad dates. I love the moments when disaster appears imminent and you can almost hear the clackety clack of the roller coaster climbing the hill before gaining speed and sliding off the rails." -BrautigansGhost

Just when you think the dating scene can't get any worse, along comes Reddit to remind you that a) yes it can; and b) whatever you've been through maybe isn't so bad, after all.

There's no shortage of bad date stories -- but the ones compiled here are particularly painful. Your love life is looking better already.

A real thriller

"We met at work. He picked me up from my desk for our date. He was dressed as Michael Jackson -- surgical mask, one glove, tape around his fingers. He looked absurd, especially as he was white, blonde, chubby and 5'5". My eyes nearly fell out of my head. I think I panic-shouted at him to get rid of the MJ accessories and he did.

"We went out to eat and throughout dinner he was quaking with nerves, unable to make eye contact, and would only talk about Michael Jackson. Then we had to go to a Virgin Megastore so he could buy Moonwalker on DVD. I told my friend about the date and her advice was to 'give him another chance, he's probably nervous.'" -ConnieC60

On the run

"He was driving me home, did a stupid, illegal move, and got pulled over. He decided to run from the police (with me in the car). He tried to pull into a driveway and hide, but they found us. Anyway, they put us both in handcuffs while they searched the car.

"They ended up giving me a ride home, and took him to jail. Apparently it was a stolen car. I never saw him again, as he was extradited to another state for outstanding warrants. So that was exciting." -Bewarethewulf

No butts about it

"He picked some fluff out his bum crack, asked me if I knew what it was, then sniffed it. I just got up and walked away. I couldn't even make an excuse to leave." -evilnoodle84 

Cheap date

"In my early 20s a guy invited me to pizza. The bill for the pizza and two drinks was like $17. Hey, I'm cool and expected to go Dutch and gave him a $20 bill. He paid and didn't offer me change. He fucking kept the change. I was too shocked to ask [for] it. No second date." -enladistancia

"A guy once asked me if I wanted to see what he did for work, and took me to a pyramid-scheme seminar. It was for insurance recruiting and the people there were so fucking judgmental when I said I wouldn't sign up. After this, he drove me to Tim Hortons. It was 'RRRoll Up the Rim' season. My cup won a coffee, and when I got up to go to the bathroom, he took the slip and told me he broke even." -shrinkingvi0let

Spill the wine

"So we're sitting at the restaurant, about to bite into the appetizers, when he starts to look panicked. I'm sitting next to him in a booth and we're facing the door. I asked him what was wrong. He starts stammering, looks nervously around the restaurant, then grabs his glass of wine and proceeds to pour it into my lap. It was almost like a movie, it was kind of in slow motion. It wasn't an "'Oops, I knocked my drink over' -- he straight-up poured it into my lap.

"... As soon as I stood up and screeched, while covered in red wine on my pale blue dress, I heard a woman's voice say 'Charles?' ... I am standing there, quickly judging the situation, and notice her wedding ring. I turn to the woman and say, 'I'm assuming you're Charles' wife? I'm so sorry about that because this is Henry, I'm on a date with him right now, but, a lot like his marriage, this date is also ending... ' I grabbed my wine, poured it on his head, apologized to his wife, and stormed out of there.

"Thirty minutes later receive a text from Charles/Henry. 'Hey, I don't have anywhere to stay tonight, is it OK if I crash on your couch?'" -SloanethePornGal

What constitutes a crowd?

"Met a girl at a bar for drinks, she brought her ex-boyfriend. I noped out pretty quick." -Stoney-Stacheman

"He came to pick me up. Started talking with my mom. They got along. He banged her the next night. Wish i was joking." -my_swamp_now

Reference check

"I went on a date and the guy printed my online dating profile and pulled it out for... reference?" -jeffneruda

Too much, too soon

"Within the first five minutes he tells me that his last relationship broke up because he had a small penis and that he has attempted suicide three times." -Melons22

"I met up with this guy at a restaurant, conversation is going well, up until we order. He then excuses himself and is gone for a seriously long time. I thought he just left, and I was considering paying the bill and ditching out too. Maybe 10 minutes later he walks back in with bloodshot eyes. I thought he went out and smoked...

"He apologizes for his absence and tells me I ordered the same dish as his ex and he got emotional and went and cried in his car. Seriously, I ordered the chicken Alfredo, pretty common meal... " -ronniejean1

Love in vein

"I went to go pick a guy up and he and his friend were shooting up heroin in his living room. Then he got mad at me for being closed-minded when I wasn't super-chill about it." -DarcyMcCarbomb

"A guy picked me up in NJ to take me to a restaurant in Brooklyn and on the way there, he said 'I need to pick up my paycheck.' So I'm like, OK sure whatever. We then pull into this empty parking lot in Staten Island where dude proceeds to start dealing cocaine.

"There is some argument between him and a buyer and dude pulls out a gun and starts waving it in buyer's face. Deal goes down without violence though, and I'm terrified for the rest of the night. During dinner, I was super quiet and 'yes' and 'uh-huh'ing him all night until he finally dropped me off.

"I never saw him again." -redditrutgers

(Un)happy meal

"Guy asks to cook dinner for me at my place... I tell him fine, but I don't eat seafood. What's the first thing I see in his bag when he gets to my house? A shrimp ring. A FUCKING SHRIMP RING. When I gently reminded him that I told him I don't eat seafood he replies with 'I know, but today is the day you LEARN!'

"He then brings out chorizo sausage. 'Do you have alcohol?' 'Umm not right now. Just rubbing alcohol ha.'

"... he proceeds to put the sausage on one of my plates, pour the [rubbing] alcohol OVER the sausage, LIGHTS THE SAUSAGE ON FIRE, then proceeds to smile at me... This was the exact moment my roommate got home and walked in, took one look at me and the plate, laughed, and walked right back out.

"... Five minutes pass and the flame is still going full force so he blows it out and starts scraping the burnt parts off. 'Here you go!' No." -Teaoh

A pet rat, scoliosis, and too much booze

"My first date on OKC... vomited at a bar. When I offered to walk her home she refused, saying she did not want some stranger from the internet knowing where she lives. I even offered to walk her a few blocks from her place... she still refused. I am not going to leave some girl (no matter how obnoxious) stranded in the middle of downtown SJ, so I just walked around town with her for three hours.

"During that time she talked about her pet rats and her scoliosis. After she sobered up, I let her drive home, in which she then texted me the next day to say 'I did not feel a romantic connection.'" -JohnWH

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Nicole Caldwell is Thrillist's Sex & Dating Editor and once got stuck on a first date that started with a very awkward lunch in Midtown and ended with a baseball game... that of course went into extra innings. Because dating is good. And hellish. Follow her other glorious power moves and epic mistakes on Twitter: @nicolemcaldwell.