At a crowded music festival, according to a seasoned festival-goer
Step 1: Wait for the headliner to take the stage. Frequent Bonnaroo and Outside Lands attendees (let’s be honest, you don’t have to hide anything at Burning Man), claimed this is the best way to achieve any small resemblance of privacy. “There’s always one time slot when there’s only one show playing, the headline band," one source said. "That’s when you make your move.”
Step 2: Tell your posse you’re dipping. When it comes to tracking location, festival-goers are not unlike park rangers. They travel in packs, maintain a well-marked HQ (read: balloon), and when one of their own goes missing, a manhunt will almost always ensue -- especially should certain festival antics come into play (we mean hula hooping, of course).
Step 3 (if there’s a camping area): Go there. If you can’t find your tent (because of all the hula hooping), or don’t have one, hide between the sea of others and pitch your own.
Step 3 (if there’s not a camping area): At OSL (Outside Lands), there’s no camping allowed, but what it lacks in tents, it makes up for in woodsy paths that lead to smaller, secluded stages. Go to one of said empty stages armed with a giant sheet or blanket.
Step 4: Wrap yourself up like a burrito and have sex in the dirt while you fist pump to “Ain’t Life Grand” playing on the main stage.