Sex & Dating

Sex, Bagels, and a Cringe-Worthy Craigslist Missed Connection

Published On 09/21/2015 Published On 09/21/2015
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When you're in the realm of missed connections on Craigslist, you're already somewhere weird. Sure, you can imagine a place for venting when "the one that got away" was someone you didn't know at all. And, by and large, that's what you find in missed connections.

This post, at its start, is just more rank-and-file weirdness. Is it odd that this 21-year-old lady, who visited New York from Minnesota only briefly, is now trying to track down this man, who she describes as:

"...an older gentleman (probably 50+?), I think Arabic or Jewish, polite, handsome, with a big gut :)"?

Yeah, it's totally weird. Do her romantic intentions make it weirder? Absolutely.

BUT THAT IS NOT WHAT IS WEIRD ABOUT THIS POSTING
 

Craigslist

Sure, he sold her a bagel. He even "showed her the spreads," whatever that display entailed. But this particular Woman Seeking Man wanted more than a just bagel. She had another appetite. An appetite that, well, just gets downright pornographic in a hurry. We all know pastrami is the most sensual of the cured meats. Now, it seems bagels have emerged as the sexiest food that resembles a donut. 

Reasonably, this overweight bagel worker had the opportunity to consummate the fantasy of most bagel workers. But it seems he invited her behind the counter just to look at all the cream cheese (??!!!), because she was curious (her word), and not because he wanted to bang. It leaves so many questions. Questions like: who is this guy? She gave her name; he withheld his. But how many heavy-set, vaguely Semitic bagel-hockers are left in New York? Why did he put his hand on her back? Was he just a tease?

Like you, dear reader, we couldn't rest until we did everything we could to unite this star-crossed, chewy-on-the-inside couple. 

ATTN: All handsome, kind of fat (but nice) bagel sellers who wear musky cologne. Someone wants you to fill her bagel hole. 

Help these two lost souls find true love. Or something like that.

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