Cover yourself in paint, then have sex

Paintings have long confronted societal repression of sexuality, from Botticelli's eroticized Birth of Venus, to Bosch's The Garden of Earthly Delights -- hey man, it's 1504, a naked dude should be allowed to blast crows out of his butthole whilst being devoured by a human-assed bird monster if he wants to! Now you too can join titillating tradition, thanks to Love & Paint.

Having spent years covering select couples in paint before they did the nasty on canvas, the artiste behind Love & Paint is prepared to let anyone purchase a masturpiece of their own making, and's going so far as to help set the mood, because doin' it in a studio is nothing special for New Yorkers. The basic package comes with a one-night stay in a "premiere New York City hotel suite", which'll be candlelit, strewn with flowers, and loaded with bubbly, all of which will hopefully make you feel super romantic despite the fact there's also a dude you don't know telling you how to cover yourself in paint and bang on the canvas that's stretched across the floor. If you're a baller of ballin', upgrade options include chauffeured car service, dinner for two, aphrodisiacs & desserts, a romantic couples massage, breakfast in bed, or even an upgrade from canvas to plexiglass, giving new meaning to the term "banging the backboard".

Of course, you don't have to limit yourself to just one partner if that's how you swing, and the final product can be custom framed and professionally installed, auctioned off for charity, or put up for sale in a show, though considering people aren't exactly lining up to have sex with you, you can probably put the ki-Bosch on that last one.