Sonic Bomb Alarm Clock

After a rough night, a clock radio squeaking with Morning Zoo inanity is as effective a wake-up call as an ether rag to the face. Force your ass out of bed with the Sonic Bomb Alarm Clock

Made by Sonic Alert, a manufacturer serving the deafest of withered coots, the SBB500ss's rousing arsenal includes strobing lights and bursts of noise peaking at a brain-rattling 113 decibels. To put it in perspective, that's slightly louder than a power saw, but less thrillingly dangerous. For added serviceable annoyance, the Bomb also comes with a corded vibrator that slips under your pillow or mattress to shake you to consciousness like a loving mother/angry crack whore

SA carries an assortment of Sonic "Boom" alarms optimized for utility (travel), readability (analog), and emasculating shame (the pink "Sweetheart"). Basically, if these clocks can't wake you, you're better off staying asleep -- because the only thing worse than an ether hangover is waking up thumbless in the back of a van full of the masked thugs who nabbed you.