The allegorical lesson of Hoar Island Rum is that what’s on the bottle can be every bit as important as what’s in it. Crude, cryptic or clichéd names rarely give rise to successful products. When deciding what to dub your small batch pulque or chitterlings-infused whiskey, it’s best to follow the advice of a legendary San Diego newsman and “stay classy.”
Over the years there have been many alcohol brand names that were genuine head scratchers. Some came and went faster than you can say Stiffy’s Vodka, while others have lingered longer than the odious scent of Donkey Piss—a reposado tequila produced at an award-winning distillery.
There are bad booze names. There are worse booze names. And there are booze names that are “No. Just no.” Here’s to the most insane of all time.
The Not So Great
Great name for an international pop sensation—or an NFL running back. Lousy name for a beer.
Is this a sherry
or a condition for which an elderly gentleman might need to see a dermatologist?
When the fact that your vodka tastes like an ashtray isn’t the most repulsive thing about it, well, you’ve taken bad taste to a whole new level.
The What Were They Thinking?
This brand from Germany is marketed as an “exclusive drink for those who know exactly what they want.” When I think “porn” I don’t usually also think “exclusivity,” but they may have a point here. If there’s any type of porn that caters to the tastes of just a select few, it’s German porn.
Oh. I see. You took one of the greatest writers in the English language and used him to make a crappy pun. Bravo, sir!
Remember the time a certain fast casual chain got in hot water for tweeting “‘I hate tacos’ said no Juan ever?” Well, I do.
The No, Just No
No one ever went broke underestimating the maturity of the booze market.
What. In. The. Actual.
Had enough cheap sexual innuendo yet? Oh wait. This isn’t even innuendo.
Ok, now have you had enough cheap sexual innuendo?
How about now?
I’m getting tired of this and I’m the one writing it.
Fat Coq Chardonnay
Oh, for the love of sweet sufferin’ jeezuz, tell me that’s enough.
OK, you are on your own. I can’t. I just can’t.