GWAR Debuts Vodka, Plots Mankind’s Downfall

GWAR Vodka
Courtesy of GWAR
Courtesy of GWAR

GWAR, an assemblage of immortal gods banished to earth by their creator for becoming too powerful, have finally given the world what it deserves: a craft-distilled vodka.

The elite chaos warriors, who travel the world as a rock band luring unsuspecting humans to their “death-rallies,” are set to debut Arctic Snow, a quadruple-distilled potato vodka, at their seventh annual GWAR-BQ in Richmond, Virginia, held Aug. 19-21.

The vodka was created in collaboration with James River Distillery of Richmond. According to GWAR’s website, “Arctic Snow is 80 proof and distilled four times for the perfect balance of flavor and smoothness. It gets you drunk too.” While Supercall does not condone drunkenness in any form, it admires GWAR’s direct communication style, doubtless honed by millennia of relentless interplanetary destruction.

The so-called Scumdogs of the Universe are no strangers to the alcohol market, having worked with local Virginia breweries to make various GWAR beers. In January 2015, they opened GWARbar in Richmond, featuring a full bar along with “food your friends will literally die for,” including a vegan dish called Hail Seitan.

The vodka, named after GWAR’s song “Fury of the Arctic Snow,” references a low point in the group’s past. “Arctic Snow evokes GWAR’s history,” says BalSac the Jaws ‘o Death, executive galactic chef of GWARbar and the band’s guitarist. “When we first arrived on earth we screwed up the planet by destroying the dinosaurs and creating humans. We were punished by being frozen in the ice of Antarctica.” The monstrous demon aliens were eventually revived when a hole in the ozone (created by overuse of hairspray in the 1980s), allowed the sun to thaw their temple.

Mr. the Jaws ‘o Death noted that this period “gave GWAR their taste for strong liquids, since we were ice cubes for so many millions of years.” He also confirmed that Arctic Snow is “a trap” and “part of our plot to destroy the human race.”

To celebrate the debut of their vodka (and lure thousands to their doom), GWAR partnered with local mixologist Derek Brown to create Crotch Punch, a tiki-esque cocktail featuring vodka, rum, banana liqueur, allspice dram, pineapple, ginger and lime juice. The delightful concoction will be served at GWAR-BQ, before the ultimate destruction of all in attendance.