Lifestyle

Be one, by conquering this grueling obstacle race

Surprisingly not a catchy song featured in an '80s romantic comedy about a female steel worker from Pittsburgh who lives in a converted warehouse with her dog, and moonlights as the rock climbing expert at the local REI, Rugged Maniac is a grueling 5K adventure race/music fest that challenges participants to not throw up on themselves while belly crawling through rancid mud and boldly boasts "no pop kiddie obstacles" (Sorry pop kiddies).

After downloading and then using their five-week training regimen as a placemat while you eat/watch reruns of Gilmore Girls, you'll show up out of shape, attach your timing chip, and then hurl yourself around a 3.2mi course that winds through forests, fields, and a legit motocross track, all of which're mined with over 20 "burly" obstacles less polite people might call "fat". Once breezing through the wall climb and tire jungle and barbed wire crawl, you'll encounter more sadistic barriers that require you navigate a maze of plastic pipes (Pipe Nightmare), hop from island to island all Mario-like, and throw yourself down the 50ft Suicide Slide, before jumping over a pit of fire in a feat dubbed the Prometheus Leap, because Zeus will order an eagle to pick at your liver after you're bound to a rock that dude gave humans fire or something.

Assuming you don't find a secret place in the woods to hide until nightfall, you'll congratulate the winners on their fresh limited-edition Rugged Maniac belt buckle/trophy whilst sipping suds from Harpoon and rocking out to live tunes, though try not to take off your shirt, as no one needs to see your Flashdance.