Drink in the great outdoors

Cruelly, the iconic landscapes depicted on food like Land O'Lakes and Hidden Valley Ranch will never be visited by the people who consume them, mostly because those people are unable to hoist themselves out of bed. You, however, can now conquer the peak depicted on your favorite yellow belly, with the Crack a Coors package.In addition to three nights at the swank Hotel Telluride, the package'll hook you up with a private, guided tour (courtesy of San Juan Outdoor School's expert woodsmen) up to the tippy/tipsy top of Wilson's Peak, where you'll then suckle a Coors on the very hump that clearly inspired its logo, despite Coors having "never admitted" it, even after like a million beers. Reaching the summit of the 14er unofficially known as "Coors Mountain" ain't exactly a walk in the park (unless you count Uncompahgre National Forest as a park, and hardcore crampon-scrambling as a walk): they'll pick you up at 3a from the hotel, chauffeur you to the trailhead, and then ask that you give it all you got to get up, eat lunch/drink a Coors, and get down in a day. "One of the more challenging climbs in CO", your trail will encompass class 4 & class 5 sections (they'll supply the crampons, helmets, etc), but not before you explore old mining roads and observe (flee from?) critters like marmots, elk, and pikas.Back at the Telly, they'll relax you with an included 60min sports massage, or even lend you a cruiser bike if -- just like those tubbies with the butter and ranch -- you're eager for more.Photo by Josh Berman