Kids can be so dual

Published On 02/02/2012 Published On 02/02/2012

Ever wanted to strap a tiny section of snowboard to each foot and then do the mid-air Running Man off a 60ft kicker, but feared ridicule from the same bullies who ensured you never brought your ski blades back to the park? Well, you're in luck, because Dual Snowboards have just been invented, and let you do exactly that. And because you'll need 'em, check out these reliable, also just-invented comebacks for the barbs you'll inevitably encounter while wearing these things.

They'll say: What'd you, snap a real board while trying to boardslide, tubby? You'll say: First off, many cultures consider heft a sign of wealth. Secondly, at least I'll never snap these Dual Boards, because they're made with fiberglass over a poplar wood core. And C) I'll soon have way more svelte legs than you, because these things require more muscle control, meaning they'll also make me a better regular board rider, even though I find the normative implications behind "regular" insensitive.

They'll say: It looks like you have cafeteria trays strapped to your feet. You'll say: Well then just call me the lunch lady, because I'm about to serve up something nasty! That's right: these things open up a whole world of bipedal creativity, and I can run back up the slope to try a new moonwalk on the kinked rail without even unstrapping.

They'll say: You could've bought a regular snowboard with that money. You'll say: False! These puppies are constructed from Austrian materials that somehow lower the cost to about half that of a standard board. And, I can just screw in the normal bindings I already have. Aaand...umm...look at that kid with those stupid ski blades! What a loser!!