The challenge of a timed competition is great, but you have to find a race that's right for you, and unfortunately the Psychlos don't need another human after Travolta embarrassed them in front of the whole damn universe in Battlefield Earth. For a race almost as brutal, sign up for Warrior Dash.
Back after last year's successful first foray into Georgia, the Dash is a barbaric test of physical endurance set in Rabun County, in which you'll (hopefully) wear a ridiculous outfit and run/ crawl/ climb/ swamp-wade through what they're understandably calling "3.02 hellish miles" -- though just one's hellish enough, if his last name is Plumlee. After running ~1.5mi you'll encounter obstacles like Knee High Hell (quick-stepping through hundreds of tires), then leap across Cox Lake on floating platforms, scale a cargo net, burrow through grimy tunnels, rappel down a ravine, and run through the uncharted Black Forest, just so you can honestly say you went HAM. From there you'll climb over the 8ft wooden Warrior Wall, sprint around/over abandoned trucks and scrap metal in the Junkyard Jam, leap over actual fire in the Warrior Roast, and finally wriggle on your stomach towards the finish line (between mud and barbed wire) in Muddy Mayhem -- get entangled, and "I hope he's insured" is what onlookers will Allstate.
Electronic chips attached to runners' shoes'll determine the winner, who'll be presented a steel helmet at the after-party, where all racers'll get water, bananas, and a free beer. There'll also be other prizes (most ridiculous costume, best beard), and just for finishing the race, you'll get a fuzzy helmet -- thankfully it doesn't resemble Travolta's, which by now he surely dreads.