The brainchild of an amateur competitive strongman "coming to grips with the fact that I'm pretty much a washed-up meathead", Team Swole Patrol's siege on the Internetz encompasses a growing catalog of hilariously enthusiastic (yet often informative) videos offering his unique perspective on everything from working out, to nutrition tips, to lessons in manliness, with the ultimate goal being to help aspiring "Swolediers" achieve the physical acumen of a "gorilla ninja hopped up on speed!". A taste of his ape assassin wisdom:
On proper tailgating: "Don't become a hippie and think all meats are bad for you...choose skinless grilled chicken or lean red meat...and stay away from sweets, because the dessert tray is designated for fat chicks and swamp donkeys only."
On not being a p*ssy: "I feel like somewhere down the line mankind just kind of got to be a p*ssy. I don't get it! They were too afraid to say what they want and do what they want...Say 'F**k that!' Grab your balls or grab your boobs and do what you want!"
On becoming a Swoledier: "If you're a p*ssy, don't bother even trying!! That being said, remember this…Nobody has EVER accomplished anything great by being a P*SSY!!!"
On why his merch doesn't come in size Small: "If you're complaining that a medium is too big for you, then maybe you need to focus more on how much you eat and how hard you train instead of worrying about how your clothes fit."
On post-nether-region-swole-age: "Hop in the shower to wash the sex off of you and just pee in there...you can't miss there unless you just have terrible aim."
Now come to grips with that!