Effortlessly fake being a soccer fan 'til you are one

If you're one of those people who still think The Sounders are just super convenient and affordable commuter trains with service between Tacoma and Everett, or are intimidated by the peculiarities of what is -- with apologies to Lloyd Dobler -- the sport of the future, Ed Begley Jr's favorite email newsletter's got you covered. We're providing a cheat sheet of Sounders fandom so easy to understand even a Timbers fan could do it (but probably not).

Attire, Suitable: Assuming you've already got on some sick Samba K's or Lanzera Jackals and checkered Umbros, you could do worse than rocking a sweet retro tee from either the 1974 or 1983 Sounders squad, courtesy of Throwback Max

Attire, Definitely Not Suitable: No scarves with the Sounders on one side, and another team on the other, as that will only illustrate your ambivalence/lack of street cred. And don't even think about rocking Lotto or Kelme gear unless you want the older kids on the travel team to rip you to shreds. Diadora is fine

Best Sounders Bar: The George & Dragon shows every top match, hosts regular Sounders blowouts, and offers "a little bit of Britain" in Fremont, which is surprising for a bar presumably named for President Dubya's parents

Club Songs & Chants: Unlike at Seahawks/Mariners games, waiting forever for your team to score is actually fun thanks to team songs ranging from Perry Como's "Seattle", to "We Love You Sounders" (sung at halftime and fulltime), to a chant of "Sounders 'Til I Die" heard at each match during the 74th minute

Opposing Player You Should Probably Hate: Jack Jewsbury. The annoyingly good midfielder captains the hated Timbers, has an awful chin beard, and weirdly resembles actor Kevin Durand, who is famous for being a d*ck. Sample insult to yell at him during a match "You sucked in both the fourth and sixth seasons of Lost!".

Player Everyone Says Is Their Favorite, The: Cult hero Roger Levesque was with the team since the USL days, is still detested by Timbers fans for his now infamous "tree being cut down" celebration, and regularly reads Thrillist to see if we made fun of him this week for sweet bar recommendations

Player Who Should Be Everyone's Favorite, The: His creativity and smooth touch in front of goal have made Colombian transplant Freddie Montero one of the Soun... wait, he got loaned to another team? In South America?!? OK, Brad Evans, then.

Supporters Groups: Organized fans like the Emerald City Supporters are mainstream versions of what, when in regard to English teams, are often called hooligans, or Firms.

What To Drink While Watching The Match: Red Hook's No Equal Amber Lager was developed in partnership with the aforementioned Emerald City Supporters, and inspired by their song "We Came To Drink"... 'cause who wants to watch socce... oh, oops

Photo by Nigel Cooper