Whatever their actual background, everyone seems to be Irish come St. Paddy's Day, which makes sense given the universal longing for parades, novelty colored beer, and starch-based famines. Get a jumpstart on your fake heritage now, with a sweater from Clanarans. Made on the Aran Islands off the west coast of Ireland, Clanarans' traditional sweaters're hand-constructed by "hundreds of skilled knitters" (aka, old ladies) using custom stitching patterns that've historically identified and reflected specific Irish clans' trades, cultures, and lifestyles, represented in a catalog of 500+ different Irish surnames, a list that oddly omits the O'Carrottops. Each name gets its own distinct pattern, boasting (much like a royal crest) a symbolically arranged weaving representing anything from a clan's closeness to nature (a "moss stitch") to their luck ("cable stitch"), to marital problems (zig zags); based on complexity, a sweater can take 60+ hours to pump out, and'll contain nearly 100k individual stitches of 100% Aran wool, known for its warmth and ability to absorb 30% of its weight in water before feeling wet, much like the diapers worn by the people who knit them. Once you choose a surname, from Byrne, to MacNamara, to the ever-popular O'hEigceartaigh, you'll get a background of each one's origin, plus a photo of its sweater and a detailed descrip explaining what each stitch is meant to convey; to order up, just give 'em your chest size and height, and note if you'd like yours in default white or optional black wool, in case your family needs visual confirmation that you're the one they never want to talk to again. If you have access to a bored nana with knitting skills, Clanarans'll sell their same Aran Wool along with instructions on how to replicate the exact pattern you want, because there's nothing more universal than the longing to be someone who knits his own sweaters. Nothing.