Own

Keep your (half-)life on time

Ironically capable of protecting you from fallout due to perpetual tardiness,The Nuclear Watch is literally powered by the decay of the ~100 quadrillion radioactive hydrogen atoms that live within its shell. Basically it's a Timex with a built-in mini nuclear reactor, but don't worry: it's stable, safe, and in compliance with the Nuclear Regulatory Commission guidelines, so you won't be getting slapped on the wrist

With enough energy held in its black stainless steel housing to keep it ticking for up to 25yrs, the dial's hashmarks & hands're "atomically illuminated" green (and won't fade like inferior luminescent painted ones), yet the overall radiation it emits is significantly less than the average person encounters annually through food. A final plus? It's water resistant up to 300ft, which'll come in handy if the fallout it's involved in is followed by "...of a boat".