Sweatpants: they're not just for athletes and homeless people and Italians anymore, thanks to sub_urban riot's Gentleman Sweats. The brainchild of the brand's Portland-born founder, the just-released, way-more-fitted-than-your-Champions cotton pants employ detail stitching and cuffed ankles to provide the illusion of finery, and are intended to be worn anywhere from the couch to work, which is especially helpful if you work at a couch store. Where to wear these beautiful game-changers: The Office: While it's the dream of many to one day live in a world where pants are not only inessential workplace attire, but are actually banned, until then you'll just have to be the most comfortable guy there (in either faded black or heather grey). Strip clubs: Few things are creepier than a gross dude rocking sweats at the rack to get some extra stripper friction, which is exactly why you should be the gross dude rocking sweats at the rack that everyone thinks are Dockers. Weddings: The expandable waist allows for cocktail-hour hors d'oeuvre-domination; general stretchiness means you can pop 'n lock with mom 'n pop; and when they ask where their gift is, you can be like "Seriously? I'm wearing sweatpants to your wedding, I've clearly fallen on hard times." First Dates: If a woman's a keeper, she's eventually going to be exposed to all your slovenly habits, so admit your stylistic degeneration right off the bat, and let conversation about it distract her from the fact that you work at that couch store.
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